life of late

kinda down right now..have been sense yesterday..( had to rethink about if it was saturday yet) but i mean i had planned on going to greenville this weekend to hang out with yvonne..before she left for the summer ..so we could do something for her birthday..and i had told mommy already..i told her i wanted to go and then i even ended up with a little extra money so i could go..only to be told yesterday that im needed to help riley with something.and i have to babysit him this weekend...mommy knew..i had told her ..and she didnt tell dee when she was talking about all this stuff..and them mommy tells me and its like oh well if it was me i would reschedule going out of town and stay here to babysit..yea well you would think that cas its always about money..not really about what i want..and so my plans get changed..and it st ill sucks..a full 24hrs later it sucks and im stuck at home and i really really needed to get away for the weekend...no i dont blame anyone i guess..i just wish i could have been able to say nope i have plans already cant babysit..but i felt to guilty..like i would have just left them all hanging or something..and then im just disappointed big time about it and all it cant be changed now..i just wanted to yell and scream yesterday when i found out about everything but i was at work..even considered cutting..but couldnt do that at work :( so just stayed dissapointed...but by this morning the disappointed had changed into no one likes you..no one cares..your not important..no idea how it changed..when the shift happened or even really why..but i thought about it this morning when i noticed it and couldnt really figure it out..i thought about it because im supposed to be trying to make a list to use to distract myself again from cutting..i did it twice week before last..wondering when my next meltdown will happen and ill do it again? im suppsoed to have the list incase..but then im still going back and forth between whether or not i even want the stupid thing..but i ended up making a deal with the doc about it.and she is going to keep tabs for me kinda..because i told her i couldnt do it by myself and be expected to stick to it or not stick to it .. so good or bad i still have to talk about it in some form or fashion..maybe it will help again..having someone else keep tabs for a while..dont know..but guess thats all

hmm looked for pictures for collages though..this morning when i was really scattered..it helped..so far i have 3 small ones..and in the process of another one..and i have one planned that i just havent had time to put together..so ill have to work on those..it gives me something to do when i run out of ideas..and its tedious enough that it does work as a distraction..guess ill be adding that one to my list..