not getting any better

i really do feel stupid for always seeming like i need help to cope with anything..i dont need help..i dont want it..but i write this anyway because i have nothing else to do that wouldnt hurt in some way..i dont know how to just let feelings be feelings..i cant handle having them or feeling them or dealing with them..i just want them to go away and they dont..they stay and bother me and pick at me until all i do is think about everything i dont want to think about..everything i would rather ignore and then i end up doing someething like cutting or something..and i want to be a good person and say i want to stop all that stuff ..but that would be just a flat out lie on so many levels..i hate admitting i like it to a certain point..it gives me what a iwant..instant relief from everything..anything..i can make things go away and i know when it has..is that weird..knowing the exact momment when you find the cut that is what you needed..its not the first one though..never is a few after that maybe..and it always makes me upset when i cant get the one i want..when the relief doesnt come..and yea guess i sound really crazy..and i didnt even want to really write about cutting anyway..because i was going to be a pain and ask my doc if scratching counted as counting and if i was supposed to be using my list of distractions to stop that..but that was kinda instant yesterday..hmm unexpected and had i been able to get ahold of something sharper i would have cut..but i couldnt so i scratched and it didnt really help but it calmed me enough for me to go to work and focus and not be all jittery..

ok but back to what i was going to write about...

i have finally decided that i am getting depressed again..the step beyond just being sad about everything..its more than that..i amuse myself with thinking of suicide..not doing it or ways or anything but just suicide in general..i dont want to be at home..i dont want to be at work..i dont want to be around anyone atall really..mommys car isnt working this week and i so hope tis fixed soon because having her home all the time is making me anxious..i never know when she will decide i need to be yelled at for something and the waiting is just as bad as the actual yelling..i dont like having to change my schedule to accomadate her and my sister to take them to work and places..its like it doesnt matter that i have to work or do other stuff..its only important that i do her stuff and her errands..thats all..and i cant say no..its one of those i know better than to refuse weeks..and constantly being quizzed on everything is putting me on edge..if i get a text when tell me please why i have to tell her who its from and what it s about? why does it matter..its not hers? but she asks and asks and asks until i tell her..if im online and she is in the room she wants to know what im doing or who im talking too..its not fair its stupid..im stupid..everything is stuck in my head and i cant get it out..i dont know what im doing..i feel like crying but i cant..and yesterday night i found out for sure that my cl i work with in the evenings will be moving..i have maybe 3 weeks left with him..and ive worked with him since feb..every week m - f for the most part..i dont want him to leave..i dont know how to say goodbye..ill never see him again or his family..im happy his dad found someone and they get to move to be with her and that she does well wworking with and handling my cl but its making me so so sad..its not like i can tell the dad that i dont want them to move.that they have to stay because i want them too..thats not fair at all and i would never ever say it but that doesnt stop me from thinking it.. i dont know what im supposed to do..yea ill most likely get someone new but i dont want anyone new .i want my same cls from now until whenever..i dont want them to leave or move or out grow the program for the younger kids..i dont like changes