rant..

ok so therapy wakes up my head in the worst of ways..right up until its time for me to go aback and then i cant think of anything to say! god but as soon as im out of her office then its like jabber city in my head and im thinking of a million different things..and its such a pain in the butt..

but today well we talked about a lot of stuff but i realized after i left thats it not therapy in particular that i dont like..i dont like that im a social worker and can be trusted to go out and freaking help someone else and be supportive and caring and understanding and all that good stuff and its like when it comes to myself its like none of that matters any more..i cant analyze myself..i cant do anything for myself in that aspect and i hate that i have to go and have someone else help me when i should be able to do it by myself and not need someone else to point stuff out to me because i cant freaking see whats happening right in front of me..geez ive already done all this self reflection and self awareness..i suffered and hated having to do all of that but i did it and then never looked at it again ..but my teachers knew i had a hard time doing it and that it killed me to get it done and be as honest as possible and sane while writing it and trying so hard not to give any thing away..and its so frustrating..it shouldnt be like this..i should be able to do this by myself and i freaking cant..im a failure

geez how has my past effected me..i cant trust my own opinion..i always expect someone else to come along and do it better or tell me i did it wrong or yell at me about something..i cant stand to be asked what i want to do because i wonder why anyone would care what it is i think or want..i dont expect to be listened too..i dont expect to be noticed or wanted or cared for..i hate cleaning..i wait till the last minute to get things done..i feel guilty for wanting to do anything that doesnt involve anyone else..i dont like being called selfish or lazy..i don't consider myself to be good enough for anything...im not good enough..because im told im not good enough..i cant not go home ..even if i know ill be miserable and suicidal there.. i have to go because im expected to go..because thats what im supposed to do..i follow the rules to a fault and most of the time i dont even know what the rules are..i just know its something i have to do..or something im not supposed to do because it will cause trouble..or ill be in trouble..i cant speak up for myself because being noticed is just not a good thing..i cant have anyone walking behind me and not being able to see them..which made school a pain in the butt some days..i cant be touched by someone i don't know..even if its just on my arm or something..it took a couple of my teachers my entire time in the program before i would let them give me a hug when i went to see them..didn't really matter if i wanted one or not because i couldn't be touched and didn't like it at all..but somewhere in all of there asking i realized they were ok and wouldn't hurt me..took my old therapist all 5 years or so that i saw her.. i cant say whats on my mind..never the first thing anyway.. i have to think everything through from every possible angle..so i know what to expect..i have to watch more than talk because talking just leads to trouble..if im not noticed then thats still a good thing..my self worth/value depends on what others think of me and not the other way around..i have a hard time accepting compliments because i wonder who is lying to me and who isn't..i cant handle conflict..i cut, i burn, i starve, i b/p, geez i wonder if i would be blamed for killing myself if i 'accidentally' crashed my car into something..i cant kill myself because i wonder whether or not ill be able to go through with it and have it work..cas if it doesn't work and im saved then there will be hell to pay for trying..sometimes i want to run away from my life because i hate it so much...my thoughts race and i can give my a panic attack if i stress about some things way way to much, i hate being in a room thats completely dark sometimes..i don't remember anything..theres a part of me that refuses to grow and still seeks approval with a vengeance..i hate being told what to do..or what i should do from other ppl ( cause i do it all the time to myself) ..im ashamed of myself for my scars..im ashamed of who i am..i hate myself because i have too..because on some level thats what i think im told to do..if your told to always change then well theres something wrong with you that cant be fixed..so no im not good enough..i have to be everyone else..i have to keep everyone else happy..

blah..just lots of stuff..i dont know..so funny how i couldnt get my head together enough to tell her any of this..maybe ill just save myself the trouble and just take this next time..havent decided yet..kinda anxious about it all now..like that eventually someone will find out the whole story and (if anyone does then i would really like to be clued in on what has gone on with my life! PLEASE) then i just dont know..really dont