more school issues

lately all my thoughts are on school and going back or not going back..and i know im using it for an escape but maybe i need one...because then i could look at it and say well that gives me another 2 years to work on stuff before going back into the real world ..or i could just keep struggling now and not do grad school and move or something...allow me to be a bit vain and say i really want the colorful color thingy though lol..that only grad students get when they graduate lol..i saw them for the few who graduated with my class and they really were rather cool to look at..prolly would never use them again but its enough to know i wanted it..when i talk about it you know its always like ok ive done school..things are supposed to get easier now..annnnnnnnnd well that didnt really happen as quickly as i would have liked..i wish i could decide or do something because im running out of time if i have to start applying and what not..or maybe i should apple and just see if i get in and then decide from there...anyone wnat to write my reflections essay ? i dont care for anymore reflection about anything! and now i remember why i took the job i have now lol..duh me for forgetting..be cause if i do end up in school then it is easier to leave the job i have now because of how it is set up..and i mention every so often that im considering grad school with them but its not defenite or anything. i mean i didnt get my degree for the money..i knew going into social work my pay checks wouldnt be stellar but i want to manage and be able to take care of myself and all that good stuff..the problem comes in with everything else..rent..bills..insurance..car payments ..ugh..suddenly my check isnt that impressive anymore you know..and my insurance is killer..because im still under the 3 year mark for having my license so im still having to pay just about 300 a month for that alone and then my loans for school are going to kick back in soon and its like good grief can i get a break somewhere..and i hate knowing that being at home has its benefits..but it does no matter how much i dont like it or want to be here..

but that aside...im not happy either..ok maybe being home has a big part to do with that but i dont think i was happy at my other job either..i liked my job..i liked the kids i worked with sometimes..i had fun and my coworker made sure i was ok and safe and heard..but it was still a job..i wasnt devoted to it.when i wasnt working i wasnt concerned with it at all...and my job now..i like my cls..i like some of the families i have..but when im not working i dont think about it..not that i want to bring my job home or anything and it really is fairly low stress..but its also not a challenge at all...i mean some days i spend 3 hours at work coloring or 3 hours watching tv because of the disablities my cls have and that they cant do a lot of things and well not talking plays in too..but its like i have it so easy..and it makes me feel useless some days....but then i wonder you know if i had taken a higher stress job would i like it anymore? or would i even be able to handle it..