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my mom asked me last week or maybe the week before if i planned to move out of the state..and of course i told her yes because im not a fan of coastal living at all..its too hot and i have to many scars but whatever..ive never liked it here and plan on moving as soon as i can...she then asked where i would go and i have no idea..some random middle state where no one will find me..but i dont know..im not a big city person..i cant handle it and i know this already..and from recent trips i know i dont like cali so that one is out..but for the most part i really dont know where i would go...and then came the question about if i got a job offer ..a good one..benefits included..would i take it..even if i had to move to do it..and i looked at her like she was crazy..and of course i can up with a million and one excuses for why i couldnt just up and move...and ive spent so much time thinking about it ..and now im not sure...right now today would i take the job .no..and not just because i love therapy so much ..because she doesnt even know im in therapy..but its just i cant leave me job riight now..if i stay till the end of the year then i qualify as a qp..and i really think i could become a case manager if i stayed where i am now..and that would be a raise and other things..but also because i would feel so guilty about just leaving my cls and everything..and sometimes i really hate my loyalty streak..i hate how guilty little things can make me feel...like with my other job..yea i was being treated like crap but i would not leave in the middle of the semester and just leave my group or my coworker...i had to stay to see them through the program...i had to make sure they had everything they needed because the managers werent doing what they needed to do..and if i hadnt stayed then i would have missed one of the best trips i ever took and it was with my group and my coworker who i grew to regard as one of my really good friends..even though he was 15 year older than me..but thats a whole nother story..but i mean all of it just makes me wonder if i would find a better job looking out of state..picking an area and looking for a job there? and then i question going back to school..do i want to spend another couple years in grad school? do i want another degree? i dont know what i want...maybe i never did know..not really..its just always been this idea that im supposed to go to school..im supposed to graduate and have a good job and be a good person..and its like what if i dont want that? will the world end? will i be disgraced? will i be a dissapointment? im the first one in my family (immediate family) to graduate from college..my younger sister an brother are still in college but ive already graduated...i fufilled my obligation for higher education and it took a hell of a lot of work and pushing and therapy to even make it out of college..but i did and have a dipolma and all that good stuff..but there are plenty of ppl who didnt go to college who are making it just fine...i dont know what i want to be anymore..and part of me is still really really excited about the play therapy thing..becasue i know if nothing else i want to keep working with kids..but i think about what i wanted right out of college and im not doing that..because i wanted ..really wanted to work with hiv+ kids..that area intrigues me a lot and there really isnt enough ppl in that area..and i still want to do that..i wonder if that would mean traveling and living over seas for a while..and if i want to do that..or even moving to one of the bigger cities where there is more openness about hiv and aids and all of that...but i dont know..i really dont and i feel stupid for not being able to decide or know...im watching my sister get ready to be married in a couple months and i guess part of me is really jealous..she gets to move out..get her own place again..be back on her own..doing whatever..and im still stuck here for a bit longer..and its depressing..im happy for her and im glad she is getting out...but..i dont know..i look at her life and what she is doing or going to do and i cant compare it to mine..because we are so different..but i guess i kinda want some of the things she has .. maybe that makes me shallow or something..maybe it just makes me feel shallow..i cant decide...all of it really does just confuse me..and maybe a big huge part of it is that im so used to being told what i have to do and what i need to do..and so getting the option to choose is once again throwing me for a loop and im just feeling incredibly lost and alone..