made it home safely..was delayed for most of the morning because of really bad weather and the ride was still bumpy as heck coming out of fla..but the trip was awesome..it was like one of those rare tripes where i can do what i want and have fnu and not have to worry about you know someone being mad at me or telling me i cant do something or have something..i was ok for most of the trip..some down times mood wise but thsoe where mostly when i was by myself or something..and other times i was just to busy to really be able to focus on anything but walking ..gosh im so so sooooooooooooooooooo tired and out of energy right now still lol..have been up since like 6 this morning though and i swear my alarm when off and i almost wanted to cry i didnt want to get up..but i did and gott up and dressed and all that fun stuff..and the trip its self was cool..i think we rode just about every ride we wanted too..some more than once and a couple like 3 times lol..riley did awesome and didnt get sick on any of them..and i saw the fireworks and the parade of lights and the parade of dreams and had breakfast with mickey and friends and it was just so very cool...i had the youngest one telling me i was her substitute mom for when her mom wasnt around and all of the kids where either passing off on holding my hand while walking or waiting in line..or harris was notorious for sitting on my lap whenever i was sitting down and asking to be picked up but that was a definite no cas it was hot and i was dead tired when he was lol..i kept telling him it wasnt gonna happen..and it was like a vacation in a way..cas there moms were to tired at the end of the day to do anything but go be bed we stayed out so late! and did so much..and i made them go to the lion king show and it rocked! and i am really really so happy i got to go..im happy they let me go and paid for me to go..we had fun. and with the delay this morning we went shoping and stuff and riley got me some of the fuzzy posters im starting to do often and he surprised me with them and it really was so sweet
and then i came home and suddenly i wasnt to happy anymore..it was like i instantly strted dreading being home as soon as i realized the trip really was over and we were heading back to dees house..i wanted to cry..i was disappointed..i wanted to go back to fla..i almost meant it when i told them they could leave me in fla..but it was when i was actually back in wilmington that all the old worried set back in..i wasnt gone anymore..it was back to work..back to responsibilites..back to everything i dont want to think about anymore..couldnt ignore it anymore.and it came back with a venegence :( it makes me feel so so guilty becuase i should want to be at home..i should want to come back and now i can still be ok..and its not like that..and it sucks..geez i dont think ive ever really wanted to come home..not as a kid or a teenager or as an adult..it has always been something to be afraid of..something to seriously fear and hate and know that it cant be avoided for too long..and like every other time..i come back and its like defenses are back in place and there is no longer any peace or quiet ..
and now mommys car isnt working and already im just waiting to have more things thrown at me for what i need to do or help with..and im trying hard not to seem rude or anything but its so hard..like instantly things go back to the way they were and its like i have to do all this extra stuff and i cant get a break at all..and its hard when i dont want to do something and cant say that..because it is different when mommys car actually isnt working at all .. i hope i can handle it..all the extra stress
but guess thats about all for updates lol..think i covered everything possible
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