yet another failure

well ive decided once again that im not going to be vegetarian again..it took a llot of back and forth arguing and complaining..right and wrong discussions..but it still comes down to that im not a vegetarian..no matter what i want to make myself think or say or do im not..i hate vegetables ..i dont eat enough to even be a fake vegetarian..but the whole thing with eating meat is a pain too because then its like well gee i dont want to cook lets go get fast food....its pretty much a losing battle...but since im trying to save maybe it wont be so bad and ill be able to control all of it a bit more...so i had to decide and im not comfortable with either choice...im disappointing someone no matter which way i decide to go and im not really sure why it matters so much what i eat? why is it so important that ppl have to tell me what it is i can and cant have or what i should or shouldnt eat...why does it matter so much to them when i dont care in the slightest? but ive been thinking about it ..and as much as i hate to say it or even think it im sick to death of having ppl tell me what to do when its none of their business..and im not talking about the usual stuff im talking about the stupid stuff like food or clothes or shoes...in at least a small sense of being ok with myself for a little while i want to do things my way and see what happens...i dont want to obsess about food or calories or dieting or exercising..its tiring..it drives me crazy..i dont want to go overboard...im not really sure i want to die or get really sick...it makes me miserable well more miserable than usual when im doing one weird food thing or another just to change it in a few weeks or months..so i just cant do it..not this time..not again..but i wonder if it is a good enough reason to not do it just because i dont want too..i wonder if i need a better excuse or a bigger reason..i would think not wanting to be sick would be enough but im not so sure...ive gotten to know to many ppl with ed's ... i cant make mine go away but maybe i can stop it from getting any worse..the ever so often b/p'ing ill just have to deal with..but its not really cool seeing how miserable it makes ppl..its really not..and you would think i would be ok with making a choice like this because it means that somewhere in my head i may actually care..but no it just makes me feel more miserable..i guess it shouldnt matter if either way im still not good enough