slightly depressing

you know when you start off a conversation with..im not trying to be mean..what exactly do you think comes to mind? i dont get it at all sometimes..why start off like that because you should know by now that it will make me as defensive as i can possibly get in less than a minute..because suddenly its back to ok im sorry i know im not good enough but ill keep trying anyway..so once again my flaws are pointed out like i dont know them..and dont know what i need to do..what exactly is it that she is expecting from me? i dont know what it is but after everything i fear i fall incredibly short of what she expects from me..yes i know i need to lose weight, im not stupid or dumb depending on who you are talking to..but then i cant help but think of everything it is i do and its like well im told what i need to do and that its for my own good but no one sees fit to actually tell me the correct way to do it..im to smart i guess to do anything stupid..but shouldnt mommy know better by now? she has seen my arms if nothing else and she should know better but she doesnt..and it keeps becoming the same stupid little battle..or big battle and im left being wrong..so i guess it will all workout some way..but if not to bad for me..

all that fun stuff aside..we got back from the camping trip today and i cant help it..we camped in one of the most beautiful places i have ever seen..we were in the smoky mountains at a lake..and we were camping right on the lake..it didnt rain..and we hiked through a healthly forest..and saw some huge trees!! the biggest we measured was 20ft 1in around! i was on the look out for bears but only saw bear poop..and once i found out the bears hung out in the trees i refused to move for oh half a second before i was told a bear could be hanging out above me..well that got me walking again! jamie wrote a poem about me that he gave me to keep today and i will keep it forever.guess that seems kinda silly but i have a habit of keeping things about me..ive acquired quite a few things but it is odd going back and reading some of the nice things and wondering why it is i cant see what other ppl see..but im not feeling much like trying to figure that out tonight..but on the camping trip overall it was fun but a lot of time it felt like i was there without really being there..im not really a people person and being expected to interact with everyone was just a bit much..i talked if i was talked to but i didnt volunteer info..not really my thing..although i am guessing they kept me with jim because im quiet enough to level out his loudness..but for how ever it is that we work so well together im glad they let us stay together..i didnt get the side of the shift i wanted but i am now going on the dc trip..i have to work on my birthday but then im off for like a week because of one of the trips..maybe it works out maybe it doesnt..i found out today that yvonne wont be able to come and visit for my birthday and so i guess it does work out..albeit uncool on many levels i understand that everyone has there own lives and responsibilties and right now a birthday visit cant be on the list of things to do..but ill have to call and let her know i got her message anyway..dont know what im going to do with all of my time off but i think ill be able to come up with something..maybe go to the library..most likely ill end up at the library..maybe a movie or something..dont know yet..hard to believe my birthday is seriously only a couple weeks away and i have no plans..i never have plans..i would actually rather everyone just forgot for all the fuss i made about it..anyway off topic yet again..as i was stuck hiking and left to think because when i hike im not much for talking..but as usual i was yelling at myself for being a slacker and not keeping up..doesnt really matter that i could have been working really hard..it just mattered that i saw it as not working hard enough and slacking off..its like no matter how hard i try to do anything and no matter how much i work or even how good it turns out.its never good enough..it will never be good enough because there will always be someone there telling me i suck and could have tried harder..i dont know exactly how much harder i needed to try but what i was doing just wasnt good enough at all..doesnt matter that i finished it..no slower than anyone else..doesnt matter that i particpated and actually had fun some of the time..doesnt matter that i worked my butt off to finish and not just give up..none of it matters at all because in the end im still the one struggling to keep up with the group and refusing to ask for anyone to slow down because i hate being seen as needing help..i dont need anything..of course i couldnt go swimming either..no matter how hot i was or how much fun it seemed to be..i just couldnt let myself do it..i was planning on going swimming before we left but then we got there and i just couldnt do it..but now its over and the kids actually come on monday..hard to believe but i am ready for them to get here just so i have a set schedule again..

but now im not so sure what it is i want to do..i want to move but i dont want to..i keep saying im not ready for grad school and im really not for more than a few reasons but i just want to get it over with..i know i would have more options with a masters..i dont know where i would go for grad school..ecu being first choice but if i dont get in there..then what..dee wnats me back in wilmington and im sure mommy does too..i was thinking of staying with talisman through next summer and then making a big move..because then i would have over 2 solid years of life experience..but i dont know..im not a fan of jon..i treat him with respect and everything but i take everything he says with a grain of salt i guess..ill belive what you are saying when i see it becaue he made a lot of promises last semester and it was the counselors stuck dealing with everything and his promises when he couldnt be reached..i keep saying i will just stay through the semester and then see..but i dont like not having a plan.i.ts makes it seem like i have no goals at all..but its hard to explain that staying safe should be a heck of a goal but nope thats not good enough..there are so many other factors i guess and trying to think of all of them makes it even harder to do anything at all..for now im ok i guess..behind in just about everything and borrowing money from mommy aagain but just okay for now..but 4 months will pass by quickly and then i dont really have a clue as to where i am going or what ill be doing..i just dont know

i am going to the autism run tomorrow to volunteer..dont really want to go but its not much of a choice ..we were signed up and i guess i would rather be there than moving furniture and dusting under beds for spider webs! so im going and im sure ill enjoy it but i just dont know what it will be like..will prolly even see some kids from over the summer..no idea..but i will be up early in the morning for that and to make up for all the sucky sleep i had on the trip ill be going to bed majorly early tonight..but guess thats all