ugh

its official im sick and feeling incredibly miserable at work right this minute because i am freezing and cant get rid of my headache...im thinking its sinuses not allergies but then the sinus meds i took arent really helping at all..maybe i just need some reg asprin or something..i dont know the whole wheezing thing is kinda weird since i keep thinking im not breathing but i am if i can hear it..hoping im feeling better by friday...hope im feeling better by tonight..i think ill have to go and raid the nurses office and see if she has any cold meds left over..i figure if i take enough something has to work! but for now im just miserable and wanting to go to bed..but i cant because i have to work and be responsible..but on the subject of work things are i dont know..the kids went from barely getting along to overly getting along and personal space is just nonexistent right now..all day its no touching/no hugging/hands off..ugh its a pain and then we come in for shift change and the wonderful boss is all annoyed because we had been letting the kids sleep in and over the weekend they got to watch to many movies and some didnt want to go to church when they said did a couple days ago and i feel bad for the other set of staff because the blow up happened to them and they got a long lecture on everything they had been doing wrong..im sorry but when im told ppl want to leave becasue they are feeling like they are being attacked i worry..he says he has no time to do all the little stuff but he is the one making all the promises and then once again not following through..it s not fair that we have to pick up the pieces yet again...i dont know..im annoyed with all the extra rules..im annoyed we dont have as much freedom to do fun things anymore..im annoyed that we have to live by the schedule with no leway for ANYTHING!!! yes these are special needs kids but they are still kids and should be given more responsibilty as they earn it but without making the entire group and staff have to suffer because the ppl in charge decide we are being to slack...its a boarding school but it is short term..they have there schedules but there freedom to have fun is like at a zero right now..all it is is follow the rules and do this and that but you can only do it a certain way..the group is working together more and im hoping all the teasing has been stopped..i havee to keep reminding myself that im not here to become there best friends becasue one of the girls really isnt liking me right now..and all because i told her she was being rude and selfish the last time i was here..i dont appreciate that she considers herself the most 'normal' one in the program..i called her a liar in as many nice ways as i could come up with but i pointed out that she was contradicting herself and everything she had said about the lower functioning kids...you cant be there friend and then pretty much call them a freak because you cant have things your way..thats not fair at all and i told her i didnt like it...so she doesnt like me at all and im alright with it but i worry to a bit..not as much as i did my first summer here..maybe ive gotten tougher i dont know..the comments and mean things still hurt but its like ok call me mean and all this stuff but i will hate when some of these kids really run into a mean person..cas im not it..not by a long shot..and maybe since im not feeling good im being more rationale because on a good day i would say no to all of it but for now its ok...no im not mean and im not selfish..if i ask you to stop something or give a consequence then i would hope i had a darn good reason for it..i dont act on impulse and one of the things im told more often than anything else is that im calm with everything..it takes a lot to get me to really raise my voice...i can go from playing to stern in a heartbeat but im fair too..so like me or hate i dont mind not iwth the kids..because in the end they will go home in dec and never have to come back and the only thing i ask is for respect...im stuck in the same living conditions as they are when working..they dont have air i dont get air..they sleep in tents well where do they think we are sleeping on trips? suddenly we can just leave them and go find a hotel? yea right..somehow these kids just assume they have things bad for no real reason and that they are doing it alone! we have to do the same things as them and live by the same rules..they clean we clean but the kids dont see that..all they see is that they are doing something they arent comfortable doing and so everything sucks and we suck...this is one of the most sheltered places i have ever been in my life..at talisman all that exists in talisman..there is no real world..there are no more ppl ..its like you could be on your own planet and you are living reasonably comfortable..but then a couple days a week you have to go back into the real world and sometimes it is very shocking and its like holy cow the world goes on..life goes on..but why give up a safe place to go home because you dont like the program just to go back to being by yourself and not having friends..why not stay here for a few months and know you will be taken care of and not complain about it? why give up a good thing just because you dont like it? sometimes i dont get kids at all..special needs or not they are still kids..they havent lived yet..they havent been in college or had a job..they have there parents taking care of them..they have almost nothing to worry about from life..and taking into account i do know that being in school is pressure enough..but they even get a break with that..they have a class of 8 ppl..i dont know why they complain except that there are rules here and they have to abide by them if they want to make it thats all..they are still being taken care of..they have one on one attention and then get to go on trips i never got to take as a kid..maybe im looking at it from the wrong point of view but i would say i would being fairly open minded with it all...i would have killed to be sent to a place like this..i never wanted to stay at home..but i wasnt bad or failing..i was made to do stuff afterschool friends or not i did it...im not sure what i did in high school but i graduated..but oh well..im thinking there has just been a lot on my mind about all of this..its not cool to come to work and be told well we are adding on a million and one rules because you have been doing everything wrong..yea that makes me feel a lot better about the work ive been doing..funny i hadnt planned on writing any of this i was just going to come and complain about not feeling good! so things are changing maybe for the better maybe not i dont know..i should stop trying to figure it out though because all it gives me is a headache..on a side note i find it incredibly funny that im being disliked for being 'chipper' ..me? chipper? yea i think the world might as well end now if that is what im being referred to as!! quietest person ever but somehow one of the kids was not liking it here because we were all to chipper for her tastes..interesting