really thinking

i dont know how through everything ive come back to the conclusion that i have to go back to therapy..id say it only about four or so extra months to make a full circle back to where i was like forever ago it seems..thinking about going back makes me so nervous..and i worry that i wont find someone else who will put up with me not talking a whole lot..i got annoyed at myself and it wouldnt be fair to expect someone to be perfectly ok with me not saying anything..but i guess thats something i will have to work on if i actually agree to go back and figure out all the extra stuff that will have to go into it..if i have to pay then ill have to figure that out..ill have to decide if i want to use my 3 free visits to a private place or just go to the community place and hope it wont be really expensive if i have no insurance..and for now im not really sure if my insurance covers therapy but to be on the safe side i will say it doesnt..and im not completely signed up for it anyway..and will i even be able to come back after december if im moving? i dont even know if im moving anymore..ugh ..i dont want to stay but i dont want to move either anymore..im upset about all that has happened but i really just dont want to have to pack everything up and movie somewhere else..but all of it is really making me scared..but more than that im starting to worry again that ill try to kill myself for whatever reason..all i really want to do is completely destroy my arms..and i can see exactly what i want to do and its not nice at all..all thats really stopping me is that ill have to go back to work and its to hot there to wear long sleeves..my arms are already covered in scars but there is no need to add anymore right now...ill wait..it has to get cooler..and that worries me too..just because i can hide it doesnt make it ok either..so whether i want to or not im thinking its gone far enough..as i was thinking today i figured out that sleep effects me more than i thought it would..like i really slept for like 11 hours..the first time in forever that ive been in bed after 9..and today for the most part ive been ok..a bit bored and sad but no where near what it was like yesterday...im calmer today and maybe having a chat with jake last night helped..but i think i needed to sleep and i hadnt been..and for whats its worth i really slacked off on my whole distraction thingies i was supposed to be doing..i still remember all of it..i look at my paint and have no interest in using it..i dont want to color or do anything..ive been reading a lot but then i pick books that send my mind into overload even if they are good books..playing online has lost interest too..so maybe i just need to go back to therapy until i find some new things to do to distract myself..maybe i should look up all the info i have on mindfulness that i have stuck somewhere and actually look at it again..ive seriously just stopped caring about all of it..i was ok for a good while with bits and pieces falling apart at times but it always went back to being ok..and now i dont know..when things fall apart they just stay that way..and its been a hard summer..and then i was at home and just flat out suicidal which wasnt good at all and then i left and came back here to go back to more stress and changes..maybe its just to much at once..and it things are still changing..and im just getting more and more stressed and anxious about everything..so i dont know..yea ill go to work on tuesday and be perfectly fine but ill also have to remember to wear a shirt that will keep my arm covered enough..ill have to know that we are going hiking on wed and my arm will most likely be coming back infected just because i will be going into the woods without anything on them and three days out there without having a shower will not make them better by any means.so i hope it will be ok..im stressed about the hike any way..i dont want to go and im not feeling much like hiking at all right now and i have to go..oh well