stupid

i want to scream or cry or just yell for a couple days and let it all go away..but if it was a parallel universe maybe that would happen and everything would magically make itsself better and i could pretend today didnt happen for the most part...right this minute im fighting myself hard not to just get up, say screw it and once again decide that it would be better to throw all my food away..again..for whatever reason i really wnat to do that..prolly because im trying hard not to cut..and i have nothing else holding my attention except my left over dinner and wondering what im going to do about it..but that aside all i keep doing is looking at my wrist and remarking on how normal it is looking again and then all i want to do is cut it and make it look horrible again because i dont care..im still really disappointed that i gave in this morning and cut but now its like ok you already did it might as well go ahead and finish out the day and not care about it..its all in the same 24hrs..so if im going to screw up it will all be on teh same day..only problem being well what if something happens tomorrow or the next day or the day after that..it will be the same old argument and it all ends with me cutting anyway..good grief it felt good as an after thought..its like instant relief ..i had forgotten..short term or not its instant and thats what i wanted..and now im incredibly guilty and feeling stupid because i promised not to do it..i broke it and that makes me horrible...and i deserve to die..i went to the library today and ended up getting a book about cutting..fic but its a part of the color me trapped series..fairly decent series and the books are good..i could go without the religion aspect of them but still i like the books for the most part..so i read the one on cutting today and the one on eds a couple weeks ago..and this time it just left me thinking a lot more than usual ..like its been so long and im still going back and forth with the same argument about cutting..i like it i hate it i need it i dont want it ..take your pick ..its still the same old thing..i say ill stop and will for a while but then ill just let something else take its place..i picked the bottom of my foot apart while i was at home..like serious walking impairment it hurt so much..and it just started off as mindless picking and it ended up with a huge sore on the bottom of my foot that is still getting better..i can walk barefoot again but for over a week i couldnt walk without limping and it was a pain in the butt..or else ill scratch my bug bites ..or pick at something..anything i can get my hands on..or suddenly in my free time i decide i dont want to eat anymore or b/p like the other night and that hurt too in its own way..maybe it was kind of a release all on its own that i finally just gave in and got it out of the way..but if thats how its going to be then i might as well just schedule it into my calendar so i dont have to stress about it..at 4am on wed ill just cut because i want to ..because i want to do it while im in control before im upset and just let it get out of hand..wouldnt that be better anyway? if i say i can control then let me control it and do it when i want..but even i can see how stupid that is..its like im setting myself up to fail and i know i will..even writing all of this and making myself seem as crazy as possible i still worry about how weird it is to have all of this in my head and no one really knows about it..that was one of my biggest issues with the book i finished today..no one freaking knows..i cant even admit it to myself and i expect to stop like it will work..i dont think anyone has ever made me admit it and just say it..im thinking im going to be sent to a meeting and made to get in front of a group and just announce it to the world what i do..see i cant even say it then..i can write about it and think about it..but i never really say it the correct way that would make me take responsibilty for it..no im not putting it off on someone else its just i dont want it! i hide it like my life depended on it..and its like ok who helps me hide it then..when mommy found it she made me swear to stop and then she made me swear not to tell anyone..she phrased it in a way that would stop me from wanting to tell anyone else..heck i didnt want her to know anyway..she would have been last and all the help it did me ..good grief i hide it more now than i did then..im just waiting for her to stare down my ankle and i might as well pack my bags now if she ever thought to look at my legs and not just check my arms..its shames me more to have her constantly buying me shirts and stuff and then making comments about whether they will be long enough to cover them..cover those marks on my chest..i dont think she will admit it either..im the good one..im not supposed to be crazy..im not supposed to hurt myself..im supposed to be out there helping others..not freaking out and deciding that i would rather keep walking the fine little line between reality and fantasy..so no i dont want to admit it ..i do everything possible not to admit and i go to work and i go home and i do everything im supposed to do ..and no one knows..some may suspect i guess..but who? if they dont already know what would give them anything else to go on? nope im always doing what is asked of me..im always having to give up my time to do something for someone else if im asked..im always willing to play a game or make someone else smile..all the stuff that im supposed to be doing and its like thats all that matters..thats all thats important..and no one really cares about what it is i really ahve to say..im not even sure i want to know what it is i really have to say..i like to write but even then im still skirting around the real issue and refuse to get close to any of them..i like to keep pretending that im ok and no one will bother me..but how ok am i really if i want to cut my wrist just because i can..just because i want to hurt and no one can stop it..but then im stuck with the guilt and shame and thats all mine..i want to say its not fair but i cant because its my choice..as many times as i tell kids they have a choice to do this or that and no one else can make them do anything.

i dont want to write anymore..maybe ill finish another dayh