once again

normally i pride myslef on being a picture of control..nothing bothers me..nothing gets through to me..im fine and can handle anything that is thrown at me..then a night like tonight just comes out of no where and all i want is approval and love and would do almost anything to get it..im at work and should be in bed..should have been in bed a couple hours ago but now there is internet in the cabins and that was a BIG BIG mistake on there part but i wont get into that now..and now i cant sleep..im wired but its more of a i have a million things going on in my head kinda wired..i want to sleep but i cant.just the thought of going to bed and not sleeping worries me and i dont want to try because i know ill just lay there and think..i finished reading twilight today and i think ive found my newest obsession...i couldnt put the book down which caused a little problem when im supposed to be watching my group and have my nose buried in a book for most of the day..the story had my attention completely and i wanted nothing to ruin it at all..of course jim goes out of his way to make me lose a page but then of course i had to tell him not to bother me because i was reading and couldnt talk..now im obsessing over getting the 2 last books in the triliogy..normally im not a fan of stories about love and how it can or cant work out but this was also about a love that technicaly couldnt work out in the end.it wasnt possible at all yet the two main characters somehow managed...did i mention one was a vampire? ive been thinking about vampires and my views for most of the day and my views havent changed at all..there is just something about vampires that gets under my skin and i want it..growing up i just looked at it from the i cant be hurt point of view..like i wanted the safet being dead brung as if that makes sense..and now its just in the back of my mind i wonder what it would be like to be a vampire..to have the world in your hand..but also what it would feel like to livei n the shadows..to be hunted because of what you are..im not sure that is an even trade off at all..but i still want it on some level..i think of all the conversations i have had with henry about vampires and werewolves and its fun to consider which is better..which wouldnt last..but maybe that is all this is..wondering about things that can never be..and so somehow it keeps getting roped around to love and being wanted/accepted..im feeling the horible need to be validated and heard..me the normally composed person is ready to cry and ask that a friend never go away..and im not even sure in what way i meant go away but that is how it came out..i think she understood and i was reassured quite a bit but it still isnt enough..im still worried without being able to figure out why and its driving me crazy..she pointed out i was acting a bit off but i cant help it...i dont get it at all right now..i guess this is a bit of my being afraid making thing worse too...but we have talked about it before..i know she will be there to hear me complain and rant and go from happy to seriously dangerously unhappy in a few hours and still takes it all in stride..but i think my fear will always be there to step in and put a stop to things..doesnt mean she is going to believe me but she will listen and just flat out ask me to stop...i realize again how easy it is to hurt someone with words..sometimes its just the small seemingly insignificant stuff but it will hurt and never stop hurting..once its said a sorry cant become a bandaid and just patch things back up again..a sorry helps but its hard to forget the things ppl say to you if its important..good or bad you will remember and so will they...so what is it i want? really want out of all of this...

i dont know