confused

as i am very bored in my brothers apartment ..so ive gotten to check my email a million times and check up on webkinz and facebook and myspace and all the other random places that just keep me busy..i wish i could have pulled up youtube and watched some of my favorites but because of the company i am with that wasnt possible..so ill manage i guess..but anyway im really confused right now about a lot of different things...i cant decide if i like or dislike my job..i cant decide if i want to go back to school or not..im not sure if i want to move or not..i dont know what im doing?!!!! ugh..im almost positive that if i let my teachers know or even arran know im not in therapy they would all be most disappointed with me..although im pretty sure arran already knows because no one ask asked for my info...i wish i would have known then that i would let it all go to my head..it would have saved me a lot of time..but now i have a lot of other things coming into play..good grief it would have been so much easier if someone had just told me exactly what it was im supposed to be doing..even though i hate that royally..but now im just not sure...i dont know..i like my job i like the kids and i like what we do ..i like the ppl there..i like being heard and listened to and respected for the most part..but im not liking all the changes..im not liking the way things are being run..im not liking ppl thinking i dont know what im doing..i feel like there is something hypocritcial in the last two sentences ...hmm im not sure i want to be there anymore for now..who knows maybe i will go back in a couple years i dont know..i just randomly looked up others jobs in my area and there are some openings i would be willing to try...but i still have to wait until dec..i dont want to change now..i dont want to seem like im quitting my group..im not..i want to see them through and then i will have to make a decision...its not that im money hungry but i dont want to keep being late with bills..i dont want to not have any money for food..how is that even possible when i can say i have a full time job? i work, i dont take days off..and still i have a million bills i cant pay...so maybe it is just time to try someplace else..its not like i havent enjoyed my time at talisman..i have a lot of good memories there..but maybe moving isnt such a bad idea right? maybe it can be a good thing? but if it is then i dont know why im feeling so guilty..even though i know jim is looking for another job..even know ppl are already leaving..i want to stay..i want to stay and never leave because it is safe at talisman..its like being seperated from the rest of the world....i know everyone there..im used to everyone..and moving into a new enviroment really scares me...like back to panic attack scary again..darn everyone for not letting me get valium when i wanted it..i cant decide anything and im supposed to be all controlled and collected..give me a break..im a dork ..i have no idea what im doing at all and everyone just assumes i do..i dont want to go back to school..i dont want to be stuck in an office job..i dont want to do alot of things but i guess in the end it will come down to me having to compromise somewhere .. if i keep saying i dont want to do anything then i wont..and its not really i dont want to do it its more like im just afraid of things changing..and so i say i dont want to do it to stop myself from talking myself into it..i suck yes i know..im horrible for not knowing what i want to do..