wonderings

now that im actually thinking about writing everything in my head just stopped..like i have nothing to say but i know i do i just have to remember what it is...ive been watching talk shows today and talk about random since i havent watched them for a long while because they have all gotten stupid and ive never gotten into dr phil but i watched him today because it was about overprotective parents and i was half listening to what was being said but now i dont really know if overprotective is the same as to controlling...i didnt get anything for the kid and here mom and i thought her mom was psycho but between the older lady and her mom i could understand what she was talking about..considering i would fall right inbetween the two sets of ppl on the show and i didnt pay much attention to what happened at the end of the show and now im watching oprah and i didnt plan on watching it..but then i was saw the preview thing and its about the new show on the a&e channel and ive never seen it but its called intervention and ive heard about the show from some of the boards i go to because there was a girl who cut on it and ive seen the convos about it but never seen the show..so anyway now im watching oprah and i really dont see what the big deal is about talk shows but im guessing they help in some way and its a great way to pass the time...all the same i dont like when s/i is called slicing, that seriously bothers me because it just sounds wrong..i can handle it being called everything else and i have heard everything else i think and i just stick to what they are but i dont go by i guess the whole act..it makes me think its not fair..i really wonder what ppl actually think about it..and not in a ok i want to help kind of way but in a more general way..i could prolly guess though..s/i isnt the easiest to understand, i can go back and forth between understanding it and now i know that looking at someone elses scars makes me so nervous and scared but now i want to cut too..different watching it on tv than just occasionally running across a picture that i dont have to look at online..its like back and forth showing them and its like i have to watch so ill know but i dont really want to see any of it..random thought good grief i really really hope mommy isnt watching this because then she will come home and start watching me again..well more than usual..not counting all the random checking and everything...anyway i keep telling myself to find something else to do...ii can develop a nervous twitch in less than ten mins...i need to go clean the kitchen but thats like setting myself up to fail..i keep trying to remember where i have any razors stuck ..i found one yesterday but its like not exactly safe to use..i actually thought about using it but i didnt want to yesterday...completely not good how things that happen as a kid manage to screw up a person as an adult..this show cant go fast enough for me and its as simple as turning the tv off...they call it an addiction..control scks..thats the overall thing ive decided today..is all of it really about control? i dnt know if it is then control sucks more than usual..and drifting away can be a great thing..i wonder how i learned to step out of awareness..