thoughtful content

now would be as good a time as any to just figure out a way to go away..but since im still half asleep from meds i didnt really need to take anyway and i dont feel like getting up just yet, all thats left is to write...not that i really have much to say..sleep is seriously becoming an issue..i sleep i swear i sleep and i wake up most days between 7 and 8 regardless of when i go to bed because saturday night i was up until after 2 and still woke up before 8..the problem is i want to sleep like all day..ive counted and i avg about 6 hours a night without taking anything..taking something i got around 9 hours last night..but i dont know why i want to sleep so much..i cant be awake less than 4 hours without wanting to take a nap..and when that goes away if it does then i know it will only go away for a few hours before im tired again..by 8 at night im completely ready to go to bed and if i actually did im almost sure i would sleep all night..and ive done that before..12 hours of sleep isnt the best thing ive ever done..i dont remember if it helped though..and napping during the day makes me not sleep at night..at first i thought it was the whole low iron part and i started taking the vitamins again..and since i didnt take them for a really long time im pretty sure my iron dropped alot and i dont know how fast it will build up again off of vitamins but ive only been taking them for a couple months now maybe..but now i think it might be worse than it was before..i just dont know why..i swear i sleep as in im not awake i dont think but when i do wake up its like i never went to sleep at all..im pretty sure i sleep now im not so sure what i do..maybe i never manage to get to the deep sleep stage part or something but i dont know..i was thinking about it last night and if i went to sleep everytime i got sleepy i would sleep away most of the day..id be up for less than 6 hours a day and that just doesnt make sense..maybe im not doing enough with my day or something...so i took something last night, to much of course but it will still put me to sleep and that i wanted..given it made me feel sick at the same time wasnt good though..i dont know sleep is stupid anyway and i dont see why it has to be so important..true ive never been a night person and when i want to go to sleep thats it i dont want to be bothered anymore, but im fine in the morning for a while so i dont get it..

funny thing i learned yesterday..leaving what i was feeling alone doesnt make them stay..because i was really mad yesterday more like bothered and annoyed but i think that fits in the mad catergory..and at first i was trying to make it stop and then i wrote and then i just stopped trying and put my energy into something else..and it was much later but eventually i realized i wasnt mad anymore..sad but not a big deal sad and that has stayed but its not to bad right now either..more like just feeling dejected about something i think..i read something about forgivness this morning and osmething about unhealthy interpersonal boundaries and the forgivness one made sense but reading it just makes it seem really easy and that annoys me because its not..then i thought its useless trying to forgive something i dont believe happened anyway..so acceptance still has to first anyway..still fighting the whole acceptance thing because i dont know..to many little ideas on it and i cant get to the main reason for it...everytime i wrote about it last week somewhere and got respones it all made sense but it still makes it seem to easy..maybe because it means i would have to let my guards down or something..in the last year my whole little protected world just started to fall apart and as much as i hate that it happened i guess it was time for it happen...unexpected but not the end of the world because i seriously ythink i started making another one..great now ive figured out i keep making safe places to the extreme and that would be what i call going away from awareness..i do it alot though..more than i should but i do like them better than the real world..now its like ok have them but know whats true and whats not at the same time..hiding in them and having them are two different things i think, and sense i have them for the purpose of escaping almost everything then they hinder more than help..even if i do prefer them to anything else...i hate to think that ill be stuck putting all of this together for the rest of my life however short it may be..i want to stop, i never wanted to know anything, forget i asked..but i guess that owuldnt work either..my head would find a way to make me rememeber and if i dont stop all the s/i stuff then im not forgetting anyway..just stopping for a while..i wonder if i stopped trying to stop all the emotions and stuff would i stop the s/i..i dont know i think it would make it worse..but if i used it to stop things then maybe it wouldnt make it worse..but i didnt cut yesterday when i wanted too..and im writing here because i dont want to cut..and now that im thinking about it again i want too..so ill finish what im doing now and go do something else like eat since its been a while and im starting to feel sick again..

ive been looking at the control thing i found online alot lately and the more i look at it the less it makes me mad or sad or anything..its just disappointing and hurts moreso because almost all of it is true..maybe i was just overly shocked when i found it the first time..its like rereading the toxic parents books..after the first time it gets easier..reading it still hurts but its not blinding denial either...now it just makes me think about everything, it scares me though..like one of these days ill actually know who i am and that im not a bad person..i think i live for the purpose of trying to make everyone see im horrible but no one believes me, not that i try incredibly hard to make it so..i just refuse to believe what they tell me instead..well im not sure now because i still really really want to believe mommy but funny only mommy can make me cry..i just dont like it..i dont like how much control she has over me and in a way i keep giving it to her..maybe i dont know any better or maybe i never saw it for what it was..maybe i didnt want to see it for what it was..