empty would be good

i wont let up on thinkingabout acceptance..and its bothering me..well that and the small issue with forgetting thta bringing up dreams makes me not want to sleep, and them i have to think about everything that i associate it with..and thinking about all of it without trying to judge it or control just doesnt work..likke now i wont stop blaming myself..i want to say i cant stop but i guess if i wanted to i could..but saying i could just makes it seem easy when its not..like if i think about it long enough i can figure out a way to take the blame for all of it if i want it or not..same old thing i guess but now i just dont know..now it kinda seems wrong to try to take blame for something i didnt do moreso couldnt control..but i work so hard at breaking things arent and trying to change what happened..given then explaining it doesnt make since..but leaving it alone and just accepting it has never been an option until now..i keep wanting to think that you know this is supposed to be easy but i just go back and forth between not caring and just wanting to go away..semi suicidal but more into just hurting enough to remember im not dead yet...i thought about why i dont like the whole reality thing..because helpful or not the s/i is considered bad or wrong most likely both and then its like knowing its not good but doing it anyway..i should know this ive heard enough about deviant behavior..i know all about social norms and i know that off subject for a sec..being scared makes me want to cry..lately everything makes me want to cry...which is better crying or cutting..i would say cuttnig, which wouldnt hurt..neither..hmm back to my other train of thought..i know that i would be considered sick or something by ppl who have no clue as to why i do it..i guess they would be right htough..reasons for doing it aside i dont know..i keep wanting to tell myself its bad nad i need to stop and i havent yet..not even though i can tell someone not to do it and ways to stay busy so you might not have to do it..and i can ignore all of it..i know all of it, and ive done it at one point or another..but its like the rules dont count for me..not anymore..its gone far enough that i dont know if it can be stopped anymore..but more now than ever i can look at my arms and hate all the scars..hate myself for doing them..and they may fade some but a lot of them wont ever go away..i study my legs looking for new places to cut already knowing i dont like it..but i rarely take care of them these days..for the longest time i never believed anyone who told me take care, like they were juts saying it to say..and then one day it was just like oh you actually mean it, like seriously it matters what i do to myself..its still weird having ppl care and for me to even acknowledge it..its harder to completely ignore it..because the more something is bothering me the more i try hard to pull away from everyone because its better to not say anything so no one will worry..but its like maybe i do need them to worry because i cant or wont..cant goes with should..one of those things that just turned into a habit..things are going not well right now