long day

tuesdays should just be taken off the calendar or something to make my life easier...classes were alright i guess and i went to them even though i didnt really want to..ended up with another 70 on a bio quiz not that im worried to much about it..im still stuck with a b in the class for now..health was pretty fun though, another good speaker and we got out of class early so that worked out for the best...and then a late night trip to the grocery store because well yvonne had to go and i juts went along and found something in needed. cant help that i love going to the grocery store for no good reason..and i talked about it on njad some and its kinda weird but ive settled on its an ed thing..going to the grocery store has no reason to be that appealing but it is..and im tired and going back and forth and i dont htink this will make any sense so ill go on ..hmmm i was in class this morning and not paying attention and ended up writing in my notebook because im not good yet at noticing without writing it down kinda..so it only took me like 30 mins to figure out i was sad and i didnt know what caused it and normally i would have started getting annoyed with myself i guess but today i didnt..i just kept asking myself why until i got an answer that wasnt i dont know..and then of course i wondered why i wasnt getting mad about the whole thing and it was pretty simple..it really is way to much work staying mad at myself..because once i get it started i can make it last almost without thinking about it..besides im sick of being sad all the time, its driving me crazier..so i dont know i guess its good that i didnt attack myself and its just i think its the first time in forever that ive not done it..when did i get so good at being a complete jerk to myself..not counting you cant escape yourself..good grief i try though..like if i try hard enough i can make up for everything else..no idea what exactly im making up for but once i figure it out im sure it will be a good reason..im sure it wont make sense either...lately with what i write i try hard not to write should and now that im actually trying it just seems harder than it has to be..i had should onto a lot of stuff and just stopping it in the middle of a thought means im not exactly making things bad..not really what im thiniking but i dont know how to word it yet..i think it was a blame thing though because if i say i should be doing something..no it was a guilt thing not blame..weird little light bulb gets to go off because i figured something out..and now i get to push everything on the floor so i can go to sleep..tomorrow i so have to get my paper finished so i can turn it in..i hope it snows..i hope i sleep..ive actually gone two days without bread and im not dead..maybe the world wont come to an end..my fingers hurt from picking at them..i will have to look into finding a better lotion that doesnt dry out my hands and make it easy to start picking..sounds gross even thinking ive managed to pull skin off but its more like hangnails gone wild or something..