flawed logic

after i decided i would die of boredom if i did what dusti does all day..good grief after a couple hours i wouldnt know what to do with myself..today was hmm quiet..didnt do my quiz yet and now im waiting for taly to come and get me for the dinner for jeffs birthday dinner..wondering what im going to eat though but oh well ill figure it out.. skip a few hours and now its almost midnight and not staying at the party long turned into a two hour event but it was still fun and i have missed them alot..and i went the night without drinking yay me..but i didnt have the money anyway and it was not a night for free drinks so it worked out..ill have to start going out a bit more..ive missed it and didnt catch on to that until tonight..so after spring break i will of course..tomorrow is going to not be great..some how i have to finish my quiz for practice before 2 and i have no idea what we have been doing in that class and if i didnt have to turn it in i wouldnt bother showing up...hmm so back to the point of this that i left off like 4 hours ago..first i have way to many ppl concerned about me and that makes me worry a bit, not that i would do anything but they dont have my point of view on everything and im pretty sure my explaining doesnt make things better so yea ill have to work on that or either scrape up some caring from somewhere..today was doc day and that is becomming somewhere i actually talk even if it does take forever but anyway talked about emotions again and im getting a little better at noticing them at least..still ignore them most of the time but i can seperate some of them..i still cant figure out what most of them are..maybe i should stop trying to be so specfic and just leave it at the broad catergories..cant say i wont get practice next week..tomorrow and the weekend and next week and the weekend after that..thinking about it makes me want to cry as usual and the harder i make myself forget about it somehow it always comes back..same old argument of why i make myself suffer and agree to go home when i already know what will happen..its always the same thing and not that i need the help being a complete jerk to myself i would prefer i didnt know i was going to get it anyway..it sucks i can make a list of everything i will hear as soon as i get in the car and that 2 hour drive back will just be long, really really really long..i dont even know where to start with cramming everything in tomorrow..i dont know if ill even manage to finish everything in time..debating staying in bio tomorrow..debating getting out of bed tomorrow..i was thinking about how i get some of logic for lots of stuff today and as i just walked along i figured out i dont make the slightest bit of sense when it comes to making all the cutting ok..like i dont care much for myself and not that i go and tell everyone that but anyway i dont and its like if i dont care then that makes what i do perfectly ok because then i deserve it for just sucking in general..the problem being that if that was true i wouldnt not like cutting in the first place and i would feel bad for doing it and i care what happened with any of it..but i care and so that doesnt work..i dont even know how i believed it in the first place and i dont know where i got it from either..even if i came up with the most off the wall answer for why i did it, it still wouldnt make sense in a helpful way..make myself sound crazy yes but not make anyone believe what i was saying...before i did believe it, i came up with it so i had to believe it or else i wouldnt have managed to think it up..not even mommy helped with that one and for the record i seriously hate being referred to in third person if im sitting right there..anyway right now none of it makes any sense anymore..i know i dont care what happens to me but that doesnt make all the s/i stuff ok..even if i want to believe and trust that it does it doesnt..darn it my safe little world is starting to fall apart..its just not ok anymore and i keep wanting it to go back to being ok and i dont think that will happen either...i looked up control stuff a little bit today while i of course wasnt doing homework and that is going to take a lot of work but if nothing else ill know it all by the time im done..but i did find some stuff and it was like charts out of a book and it wasnt the signs that said mommy was controlling or the signs that she still controls me that hurt..it was reading about how they affect a person that made me cry..its not even a 5 out of 10 thing..reading the list was like putting a neon sign on my head that said im just controlled by mommy and it has screwed me over..i wasnt expecting that..i wasnt even really looking for that but i found it all the same and now i dont know..its like some huge betrayal that i willing go back to, like somehow i can change it..ive been trying to change it for as long as i can remember and it hasnt worked yet..so why do i still think magically one day it will and then everything will be ok and ill figure out that you know maybe everything that has happened wont keep happening and safety wont be such an issue and i wont have to find new ways to hurt because nothing else will work..but that wont happen will it? of course not its just something ive managed to convince myself will happen eventually if i believe enough that it will..and when that didnt work i balmed it on not being good enough or not trying hard enough or just not wanting it bad enough..the blame still manages to fall on me, even though thinking about it realisticly it isnt my blame to take..i got it bbut thats just because i heard it enough and made it real..with mommy i dont seperate truth from lies..maybe i never even wanted to until all of it was questioned and now i try hard to remember what exactly i have done that has been my fault..not counting most of what i dont remember...the things i do remember that i think about all the time, the things that make me afraid to be alone or in the dark, like i have somehow made it all real enough that its hiding somewhere just waiting for me to stop so it can catch up..ive turned them into monsters, just things i have to stay away from or else ill die or something...
it hurts, all of it hurts and knowing why doesnt make me feel better..if i knew i could get away i would leave..not that i know of where i would go or what i would do..this isnt going to be a break and its not fair..that whole picture of control thing sucks royally right now..i want to cry but i cant, i want to say im not gonna go home but i cant, i want to cut but i cant..the more i think about it the more i just want to go and just cry and im almost positive that if that happened the world would end..the more i want to cry the more i dont want to be touched but i dont want to be alone either and i dont know how ive connected those two..hmm ill have to settle for my bear and try to sleep..empty is better than confused..

i got dehydrated again..its been a while but this week ive noticed it again..and ive been drinking i think..i thought i was but obviously not..im so thirsty right now but ive been drinking all night and it didnt help, just made it worse..now ill go to bed