why do i have to keep fighting ???

the feelings are overwhelming..the need to hurt myself..the need for release..the stress the worries the fear the anxiety..its all in my head and im afraid of how badly i want to release it..im afraid to the point of panicking ..im afraid that i still want to hurt myself..i worry that i am not strong enough to get through the urges ..and not even the threat of being put in the hospital is swaying me..i want to hurt..i need to hurt..i need to remember that i am alive..i need to remember that i am still breathing..that i am still here..im afraid because it feels like i am nothing right now..that i am just taking up space but that there is nothing substantial to me..that i will really just go away..that i am just not worth anything at all..and the sadness becomes overwhelming..and i feel sad..im not afraid to die..im not afraid to go away..i want so much to make it all stop..to make it all go away..i just want things to be calmer..i want things to go away..i want things to stop..cutting is bad..cutting is wrong..cutting hurts..it hurts..the scars the pain..the shame..why cant i stop..why do i have to keep thinking that i need it..that i have to have it..that only it will help me feel better..why cant i save myself ...