im so so so happy its friday...this has been the longest week ever and its been a struggle..
yesterday..i ended up calling lady because she had texted me the night before and had eased some of my fears that she wasnt going to talk to me anymore and had given up on me and things...so i called just to say hi really..and we talked for a bit..and she told me that she knew i ahd been thinking that she wasnt going to talk to me and had kicked me to the curb and stuff..and i wanted to deny it ..but yeah she was right and i told her so...she told me that i had no trust in her..and that did make me stop and think for a little bit..i mean how is it that i know i trust someone?? i trust my director and my supervisor and t..but how did i learn it was ok to trust them? i dont know..it was prolly a time thing..and the longer i know them the more i learned to trust them..or maybe its the conversations we have had and that they have kept them confidential and all of that..hmm but it was nice to talk to her..and we have missed her..and i can say that now that im not wondering if she is still mad at me..so that has taken some of the worries off of me...and i did go to bible study on wed..but had a full blown panic attack and left in the middle of it..i didnt leave the church persay but i was just wandering around the hallways and pacing and having trouble with getting grounded again..i dont know what happened..i think i was feeling trapped and surrounded and there were just to many ppl around me..and i started to freak out...i had to constantly refocus my attention to get the shaking to stop..and yeah finally when i was just not able to handle it i left..and wondered until it was over with ..and then went back in..because of course i had left my bag and everything inside and couldnt technically leave..but i was to scared to go back in and get my stuff..so i had to stay..yeah..it was one of those nights..and i was telling lady about it yesterday and she of course asked why i didnt ask bishop or one of the ppl i was comfortable with to pray for me or sit with me or something..and i told her that i couldnt bother anyone..and she disagreed of course and said no..i needed to let someone know because if i had left then no one would have known if something had happened..soo i agreed that if it happened again i would let someone know..literally..i think in my head i was telling everyone and like just yelling and screaming for help..but nothing was being verbalized and so no..no one know that i was freaking out pretty badly..and well pacing and talking to myself is not the way to look normal in church
and yesterday i worked of course..and ended up with a client at this meeting thing..and well in the end the women we were talking with told me to keep up the good work...which surprised me..but i said thank you..didnt contradict her because i was feeling to tired lol...but then a bit later on i was with this same client and we were talking in my car as i was taking him home...and he told me that i was a blessing to him..that he really didnt know what he would do without me..and some other things..but all you know positive stuff..and ive been working with this particular client for about a year and a half...ive been with him through a heck of a lot of stuff...and i never expect to hear stuff like this you know...and i know its more than the extra stuff i do for him..more than what i can get for him or give him..i listen to him, im not afraid of him or his medical/mental issues..he makes me laugh..and i generally enjoy going out to see him..he told me yesterday that he doesnt like seeing me sad..and that the other week when i had the whole conversation with lady and was sorta at work..i was really sad and out of it..and he told me that he didnt like seeing me like that because it made him sad too..he said he likes seeing me happy..and i did tell him that i am doing better from that day...and i am..i just forget sometimes that my mood can affect him just as much as his moods can affect me...not to mention this particular client is a great car person and again fixed my air conditioner yet again in my car for me..but yeah lol..he was my all time favoritest person yesterday after that one..he knows i get rally hot at times and so my air conditioner not working was not ok lol..
but yeah..i mean i dont expect thanks or anything like that from my job..i do what i can you know..and it hurts and worries me alot when i cant fix all of my clients issues and concerns and all of that.because i am more of a support person..i can help and advise and listen..but i cant make them do anything..thats the stinky part about working with adults...i cant make them do anything !!
but otherwise ..things are going as well as they can be...just trying to get through the day...feeling calmer and better now that my meds are back in order ..and that is a good good thing..but im also still feeling really super tired all the time too..and having nights like last night..where i was sleep by 7:30..and stayed sleep off and on until after 6 this morning..goodness sleep is most definitely not an issue for me right now! all i want to do is sleep..but i go and see the pdoc next week..and will talk to her about the meds and what not...and no t next week..and prolly not the week after that either..blah..stupid massive bill...but yeah it will be ok..im hoping..
did get good news from the doc earlier this week..and was told that i made my goal for my a1c...and its come down a lot in the past few months..and its where it should be..but now i need to keep it there!
so guess thats all...i think its gonna be a quiet weekend though..full of sleep and well sleep..and umm laundry lol...not going to church this weekend because of the women being off on the retreat..and well the balance of men and women in church on sunday would be really off and that makes me uncomfortable because the people that i am more comfortable with are the women who are going on the retreat..of course..so yeah..anxiety is way high ..so just going to avoid it as much as i can and not go on sunday...
ok guess ive rambled on enough
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