therapy was yesterday..and it became one of those tough love sessions as linda likes to call them...but pretty much we talked about my need for attention and how i am going about getting it in negative ways...we talked about my manipulative behaviors..we talked about the fact that my freaking bill is so high that i cant see her on a weekly basis anymore...that it has to be every other week or less than that ..she said that i need to become less dependent on her..she said that she should have had better boundaries with me..but in my head all i am hearing is that ive messed up again...im using the cutting for attention ..i need to much help.. its my fault that im once again feeling as if i am being pushed away..pushed aside...she told me that if i felt i needed more therapy than every other week then i would need to find a different therapist...i dont want a different therapist..i wanted her..but again she decides to set boundaries now and now i want to push through them all until i get what i want..and i just want attention ..i want someone to pay attention to me..am i dependent on her..no..am i dependent on therapy..yes..i want therapy..i want to be able to talk to someone..i want it to be a part of my schedule. it helps me..because i cant help myself...and so yesterday it was once again..lets hold up a mirror and look at ourselves and see what it is that is happening ..and what it is that we are doing...it may not be on purpose but its still happening all the same..and now it feels like i am being just left to my own devices..and i feel like no one at all is on my side..and everyone is just screaming at me to do better, to be better, to just be more..to be normal...i hate to be the one to break the bad news but the normal train left my life a long damn time ago...im hurt..i feel like a stupid failure for once again not being able to do what i was supposed to do or expected to do...and this is the consequence...im being cut off from my main support..and pushed out into a world that doesnt accept me..what the hell am i supposed to do? my fears have kicked up big time...how am i supposed to manage myself without help?? who is going to put order to the chaos that is my head?? i cant do this by myself..i cant..
im afraid to trust myself with myself..im afraid to trust that i could possibly actually manage without the extra assistance and support...i could be fooling myself horribly and am just heading for a break down..i dont know..right now im just upset about all of it..and feel the need to just not go back to therapy for a while..cant see her next week anyway..so why bother..im mad at her and told her so..but for the past almost 12 years ive been in and out of therapy so much..i went i stopped and then i went again..sometimes i tried ..sometimes i didnt..ok a lot of time i didnt ..
i want everyone else to fix me..i want the meds to make me happy..i want my therapist to organize my head and get me to stop hating myself..i want everyone to support and accept me...but i dont want to be any part of it..and i guess that is what the problem is...wanting so much from everyone else and not being able to deal with myself or deal with accepting myself or any thing that involved me myself and i...im afraid of myself..im afraid of who i am..im afraid of who i could be...change is a hard thing yes...but basing change on years of learned behaviors..years of having to figure out how to get what i wanted or needed without outright asking for it...there is so much old stuff to get through and yes i keep hanging on to it because im afraid of what it would be like to just let it go..and i know i cant magically erase all of the past..because the past has effected my present..but not having such a hold on it would be a good thing. ..
but in the end its just me .. i have to deal with me..i have to live with me.. and im afraid that i cant do it..oh i can manage and get by and do enough not to kill myself...but with no one else holding my accountable for anything .. its like i cant promise anything...
i really dont know why ive been cutting so much again..but i see no point in stopping now...
im sorry
i hold my own self back
i sabotage my own self
i hurt myself and make myself believe i deserve it
i hate myself
i hate being alone but i push everyone away
and
i feel the need to go back to pretending
im fine
im fine
im fine
nothing else really matters...as long as i get up and go to work and do all the daily stuff im supposed to do..thats all anyone cares about..as long as i am seen every so often..then i am a functioning member of society and nobody gives a flying fuck about anything else about me or what im doing or how im doing..no one..its wrong to be dependent on others..and i remember that now..i want to be left alone. i dont need anyone at all. i just dont.
i am my own worst enemy ... and im hellishly good at it
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