today....

today has been a hard hard day...i truly think i lost my mind earlier this morning..i just couldnt get it togther at all..i couldnt remember anything..i couldnt deal with anything..and gosh darn if i didnt almost forget about my t appt!  i was flipping out..and it was not pretty..to put it nicely ... but i did make it to t..and my mood was so depressing and hopeless..and the funny thing is that t completely connected it to what had happened with the pastors wife last week..and well the med issue..but it was a lot of what happened with the pastors wife and wanting so much from her and it hurting so much to realize that she is human just like everyone else..and it hurts..a lot..but i have to be able to sepearate myself from it and not let it consume me..and it was consuming me..and so we did talk about all of that..and i told her that i would be getting my meds like right after i saw her ! and i did..and holy cow my head has been going off all day..its like having fireworks going off in my head and not being able to control or stop them..little pings that make my head hurt and gives me headaches and makes me feel so sick and unable to manage..i feel so hateful and tired and queasy..and i swear to never ever ever run out of my meds again..that damn effexor is gonna kill me! gosh darn it..but i got it filled today and now the waiting for it to take effect is going on..and right now im feeling awful physically..but im more clear headed because i really did lose my mind and have had like 4 normal conversations today..this evening...i must have been really really sick to actually call people without being forced to and actually hold a conversation..and it didnt kill me..and i was able to talk about some of my stuff..and some other stuff..and just random stuff..and it was nice..and i even talked to kathy..and talking to her did make me feel loads better..and she told me that she was proud of me..and i told her that i was feeling super mean and hateful lately...cas of med stuff so yeah...im hoping that i really just need a couple days for the meds to kinda kick in and i can rejoin the real world without wanting to like hurt other people..cas gosh darn my head has not been a nice place lately...

but i also had to see the diabetes doc today..and you can imagine my surprise when i was told that my lab work has come back and it is great..my a1c is down to 6.1 and that ive reached my goal :) :)  given not the best day for me to receive the news but darn i am proud of myself i think..i know that once i am feeling more clear headed then i will be feeling better about it..i told kathy and a couple other ppl about it and they were happy for me..and that helped a lot..and so i am feeling calmer about things...i think ive been sorta talked out for the evening..and i am feeling really tired and worn out now..i think ill be calling it an early night tonight..a very early night lol..

feeling crazy does seem to make me more talkative..i think i called a lot of people this evening...it was a distraction..a good one..i did have some good conversations..

but my headache is starting to return so i think ill go back to laying down for a bit..