i have been having a hard day..well one i think i needed to seriously sleep off the meds ..that clonazepan is breaking me..but it is calming me down some but not enough..i just want to escape which lets me know that i most likely wont be able to keep taking it for a long period of time at all..because i want to take more than im supposed to..i want to just get to that place where i dont have to think or feel or even acknowledge anymore anymore..nothing has gone on today..ive laid around for most of the day..not doing anything..napping off and on..and still i feel just down..sad..wanting to hurt..feeling alone..i want to know that i matter..i want to know that i am loved..i am wanting support a lot..and i think that last week was so stressful and tiring to me and the after effect is that i am feeling more alone ..more unsure of myself..i want to believe that i matter.. that i am important..but instead all i am doing/ thinking is doubting..wondering what anyone wants to do with me..wondering what the point is..wondering why i am supposed to be bothering with any of this..and it is upsetting..because i know that it is so easy for all of the thinking to get worse..so easy..and i dont want to feel worse..i was having a few good days .. i want to keep those good days..and it makes me sad that my head just cant give me a break..am i really making the choice to stay stuck and sad and miserable? i am trying? im trying freakin hard not to hurt myself..not to cut..it would be so easy to give in to those thoughts..when i am looking for an escape..and i want an escape..and im using a couple things for an escape..warped things..bad things..bad thoughts under the guise of feeling good for a little while..but the pretense..the thoughts in the situation are bad..they are hurtful..demeaning..horrrible..but .. but i can get past that if it gets me what i want...im just as bad as some pervy guy or something..i am :(
my secrets are going to kill me...its just a matter of time..they already weigh me down..they make me so tired..they hurt me..they make me afraid..they make me think that it is ok to die..that i can escape this pain..this confusion..all of this lostness...that with death i will be able to finally find peace...all i want is peace..freedom..silence..safety..
but i have nothing..i am still waiting..when is it ok to stop waiting ?
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