i can sit here and say over and over again that i dont like lady anymore..that i dont want to talk to her anymore because she hurt my feelings..because she isnt accepting me where im at...i could go on and on and on about how unfair it is and how i should be able to just get supported and get coddled and hugs and everything that I want..because that is what makes me feel better... but the truth of it would be that if i did that..id i said that..then i am staying right where i am comfortable at..right were i know things and understand that if i drive her away then i will just look for someone else to fill her place..i will look for someone who will give me what it is that i want..and will not challenge me on anything at all...i think that was the problem..that she challenged me and made me feel so uncomfortable..and for me the uncomfortable feelings turned into she is being mean and doesnt like me type thinking..and that i am just doing everything wrong and failing and so on and so forth..i dont like being challenged..i dont like being forced to look at myself..because ys i may have been working on things and slowly doing new things and all of that..but i was also finding a comfortable space to stay in all of the newness..i was still finding a way to hide..a way to pretend..i was falling into the trap of listening to so many other people telling me once again what it is that i need to do..how i need to feel..i was being told that being positive is all i can do and that if im not being positive then i am making the choice to be negative and to stay miserable...again and again i keep being told that im just not trying hard enough..and it makes me angry..and yes i tend to do stupid things when im angry..but this time i just withdrew from life..from everything for a few days..i needed time to think..to process..to feel sorry for myself..to regroup in a way...i needed to figure out what it is that i wanted..what it is that i am willing to work for..
and do you know what did it? do you know what happened that got my head to wrap around the fact that i am worth more than i think and that i am important to people? i was at the movies with a 3 yr old..and yes he fell asleep..goodness i was hoping he feel asleep lol...but he went to sleep and i moved him into a more comfortable position because looking at the kid i didnt know how he didnt want up with a major crink in his neck from the way he was sitting..but anyway..i moved him around so that he was leaning against me..still at an odd angle but the kid was sleeping good obviously because no amount of action going on on screen woke him up..but after a good while and a few repositions ..im looking at this kid and realizing that i do love him..and that i would do anything to make sure that he was safe and happy and cared for...i realized that i am capable of love,that it is ok to love..that i can love him and not be afraid..i spend so much time walking around and thinking that i am unlovable..that no one wants me..that im not needed..that im not important..and its not true is it? i do have people that love and care for me..and maybe its just that i need to hear it more often than someone..but i am not as alone as i tend to get myself to believe.. but yes all it took was a small child to help me realize that even with all of my own stuff...all of my own hurt and pain and fear..that i am not lost..i am not destined to just die and go away...i may be negative a lot of the time..but it has lessened.. alot too..i may things that are not ok and are scary but they do not completely stop me anymore either..i am not awful or bad or stupid .. im just me..i can with my past..i have my baggage..i have my hurts and my hang ups...i have my scars..but i am still me..happy, sad, upset, lost, confused, hurt, disappointed, alone, all of it...none of it lasts forever..none of it can keep me trapped anymore..it wont keep me trapped anymore...
it has taken a lot of thinking of processing..of feeling so hurt and sad and useless..to realize that this is my path..my journey..and that i can ask for help and support..but that i cant expect everyone to understand in the way that i want them too..i know that jessica, kathy, fatimah, linda, some of my docs will understand that the cutting is just a symptom of something more..something deeper that needs to be addressed..but i cant expect that same sort of understanding from everyone..and i think that is where i made the mistake...i wasnt prepared for the judging that was a result..and it may have been unintentional judgeing but i felt judged all the same...and i felt that i wasnt making the progress that was expected of me..and so when i did cut..it was like i did the ultimate disgrace..i failed so badly that there was just no more hope for me left at all..that there was no point..that i just might as well die and get it over and done with so that i wouldnt have to deal with anyone elses disappointment..i guess you could say that i over reacted just a little bit...lady had a right to say what she said because it was her feelings..and i dont think she meant to hurt me as badly as she did..but again i also didnt tell her just how much what she told me hurt...but i just dumped all of this on her..the cutting, the hurt, the confusion..i made her acknowledge it..and then expected her to just deal with it and make it better..and in her mind..her telling me to stop was enough..she expected me to obey..she expected that i would do what she wanted...because i wanted her enough that i was willing to obey...but it doesnt work like that..it doesnt just go away because she wants me to not hurt myself..because she told me that its not okay to hurt myself..because she like mommy threw in the statements about hospitals and needing help and needing to be watched and all of that...and that made me feel worse...that made me feel crazy and stupid and like there is something so messed up with me..that there is something so wrong with me that i will never be able to control myself that i will never be able to stop and let go of the urge..the need to hurt myself..but that wasnt fair..and i should have figured that out much sooner..i should have realized that being told to stop..to get rid of my tools..to rely on her..wasnt going to work out like that..it wasnt going to just stop and be tied up into a neat little box and put away for the rest of my life...how many times have i told someone that you cant MAKE someone stop..that you cant take away what is possibly keeping them alive and expect it to go the waay you want it to go...you cant force someone to stop and think that is all it is going to take...i knew all of this..and i ignored it..because i wanted her to be proud of me..i wanted her to want me..i wanted her to tell me over and over again that i was important and needed and that i would be ok...but that was part of the problem..i forced myself to comply with what she wanted from me..the same way i complied with what mommy wanted from me...i said i would stop..and i did for a few weeks..but the urges were still there..the thoughts were still there..and once it got to the point that i was considering just cutting and lying i knew it wasnt going to work..and so then all the guilt and shame and feeling like a failure came up full force..it was like i had once again not been strong enough to stay safe..to keep myself 'clean'..the more i said no ..the more i wanted it..and i didnt want to die..i just wanted to hurt. i wanted a break...i expected her to understand the need..the desire..i expected her to accept the set backs and to keep going along with me all the same..and that wasnt fair of me...i understand now that i didnt explain the cutting well at all..i showed her yes..i shocked the hell out of her yes..but then i let her come to her own conclusions and let her think that this was just something that i could easily stop and get past ..when its not..maybe i ended up accidentally setting myself up for failure on this one...maybe it was that my need for approval outweighed everything else..i wanted her approval..i wanted her attention..i was willing to do what she wanted me to do inorder to get it...but it doesnt work like that..and i suppose that this outcome really shouldnt surprise me..it hurts...it hurts alot because i feel like i have just been completely judged and condemned in one conversation..and that is all there is to it..and thats not completely true either...because the more i think about it..the more i realize that i am going to have to stand up for myself on this one...i may have cut..i may have hurt myself..and it may seem wrong to her..but i am not just my scars..i am not going to be labeled by them either..i may hurt myself but i am not on deaths door..i am not going to drop dead at this minute because i cut myself...dear god she would have put me in the hospital if she knew everything i have done to myself on purpose...and maybe it is the anger that i have been missing in just all of this..i could go along with what everyone else tells me..i can agree that its bad and wrong and all sorts of stuff..and i did it without reacting..without anger...but this time i am upset..this time it feels like i am being judged based on my actions first and the rest of me second...and i dont like that..which also begs to point out that i have to stop doing that same thing..hiding behind the scars..defining myself by the scars...i am more than just the scars i have..and i have a lot of scars..and if i stop and think about just how much i have scarred my body it is very depressing..but the only thing my scars have stopped me from doing is dressing a certain way..thats all...i feel embarrassed when im at the doctors office of course..and god forbid i have to get a darn shot for some reason...but the world goes on..my day goes on..the scars arent going away..the recent cutting was a set back..not the end of the world..
more than anything else though..it was the statements about my ability to help others that hurt more than anythings else..i may not be able to consistently help mself or not hurt myself ..but i would never ever hurt another person..i would do anything in my power to help someone else..to reach someone else..to support and care and do everything i could to let someone else know they were not alone...my ability to help and work with someone is not solely based on what i am doing to myself..it doesnt make it better no..it doesnt make it easier...but i am not harming someone else either..and my one behaviors have lessened ALOT in the past couple years...my thinking is not constantly dangerous..and i know when i have reached my limit of being around others and when i need to step back because im not doing well myself...i would not harm another person because i am not in a stable frame of mind..i wont..i understand the need to get my own stuff in order so that i will be more effective..not because people are afraid of me.or because people are doing worse from talking to me or something...no ..its not like that..i know that i am a good worker..a good counselor...i know the areas i struggle with..and yes i can benefit from being a bit ..ok a lot more assertive..but i know what im talking about..i mean it when i tell my clients i understand how hard it is going from one day to the next..or how much of a pain it is having to take medication every day and having numerous doctor appointments to go to..im not making that up..im not playing with them or invalidating what they are experiencing..hell i could BE them...and my director knows enough to be able to identify if there is something major going on..crap i would prolly tell her...I AM NOT A DANGER TO MY CLIENTS .. im not..and i never have been...sometimes it is my clients that keep my from being more of danger to myself..i may doubt a lot of things about myself...but i do not doubt that i do a good job with my clients..i may feel unimportant and not needed at times..but with my clients i know what when i am with them..i am with them..for good or bad..im not afraid of them..or their mental or health issues..i care about them..maybe more than i care about myself..but no i would not harm them..i would never ever harm them..and i dont like that it can be implied that because of my own behaviors then i am not fit to do my job..that is not true..and i will not believe that..
today is sunday..and today i feel like i can rejoin the world..that i am ready to rejoin the world..and deal with life outside of my apartment...i had a hard time wed - friday..a very very very hard time..and so i just kept to myself..slept a lot..thought alot..i have not hurt myself because i dont want too..not because ive been told that i shouldnt do it..or that i need to not do it..and im stepping back a little bit from church...my thoughts on that is confused still..and still hurt..so i am just going to give myself more time to figure out what it is that i want from the church route..that and i really do plan to talk to lady about some of this..because i need to know where im at with her..for peace of mind i guess..i think i have been pushing myself to much to do all this stuff..and to appear like im doing so great and better an well all it has led to is a mini break down..so yeah..backing off may be good for a little bit..no sundays anyway..but i do like bible study so i may do that by itsself for a little while..
the interesting thing in all of this..is that i thought about it ..and thought about it..and thought about it somemore..and still didnt ask anyone else what i should do...i pulled back from everything..i stopped posting online..and just it a couple places know that my feelings had been hurt big time and that i felt the need to hide and just be quiet for a while..i still feel the need to be quiet..and to think..and to just figure out where i am at...heck i really do think that if i had the money i would have gone away this weekend ..somewhere...just away for a few days...just to get away from everything that is bothering me and wearing on me..nad making me question things...instead i just stayed home and well did nothing..today i am going out for a bit..errands to run..but still coming home and just being is still on the schedule..that and i need to go and get my meds before my head explodes..
i keep being told over and over and over again that i have to chose ..i have to make the choice to decide what it is that i want to do..what it is im willing to fight for..i have to decide if i want to be miserable or to be free..no one can make that choice for me...everyone keeps telling me thing..over and over and over...but this time i am listening...this time i think i had to understand that my illusion of how life should be played out isnt how it happens...i may want acceptance..but acceptance starts from within..and if i had been able to accept myself and what happened on wed..then maybe the conversation would have gone better on thursday and i would not have felt like i was being judged...
i am only in control of my behaviors..my actions..my thoughts..my beliefs..thats all i have..thats whole i am..i cant trade in for a new model...i cant start over and gain a whole new past ...im where im at because of my past..im who i am because of my past..i may not be perfect..i may not be the nicest at times or the most helpful..i mean have days where im down right mean and hateful and well yeah you get the picture...but im also the person who will do everything i can to help someone else..im the person who listens to whatever and i will sit down and give a child the same attention i give an adult..i laugh and smile and play and do so mcu other stuff...all of these things..the good, the bad, the ugly..it all makes up who i am..and i may be different..i may be follow the norms...i may do things that makes no sense to anyone else but me gosh darnit..but take it or leave it...i am me...and me is all i know how to be...
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