thoughts...feeling sad

Sooner or later, Time comes bearing a gilded mirror in which you can look at yourself and see that you were always worth more than you thought, always more beautiful than you knew, and always stronger than you ever imagined. And should the day come when you lose sight of your ability or your worth again, take down the mirror and let your older, wiser eyes bear witness to what was, and will be, forever true. ~ Sandra Kring

Today ...-sigh- today..im not sure what it is but something has me feeling very sad today..i want to withdraw..i want to hide away..i dont know...just feeling down..

 and at the same time i feel like my time line for being better, becoming better, getting better..is not fast enough..like im still focusing more on the negative stuff and somehow i am just causing myself to stay stuck..to not get better..:( it makes me feel bad..it makes me feel like i am still just lacking..that im still just a failure..and i have been trying so much harder to be more positive..to not get caught up in the negative stuff..and its just i dont know how to explain that its not so easy to just turn it off..to just BE better..to just BE more positive...and i feel like people think i am just making excuses when i say that i am having a bad day..or that i am not doing so great for whatever reason..and i dont know..yes i know that the bad feelings will pass eventually..but sometimes its so much harder having to sit through the feelings and wait it out and realize that i am just sad and hurting and that there may not be a set reason for why i am feeling like that..maybe im just feeling sad today..maybe i dont need a reason..but yes this morning when i was out and about i did feel very sad and upset and irritable..very very not ok with things you know..i was thinking about hurting myself a little bit..i was feeling alone..and i ended up calling lady..and she talked to me for a good long while..she listened..but she pushes the be positive..dont believe the lies..get out of my head..and i know that yes i prolly do need someone to just tell me like it is and not coddle me..but i was in a mood to be coddled gosh darn it..and so i was getting mad at her because she wasnt telling me what i wanted to hear..and instead telling me all the stuff i prolly needed to hear..i needed to be told to not cut..to not hurt myself..she is quite serious about putting me in the hospital if she finds out im still hurting myself..and i havent since the last time i did it which was about two weeks ago i think..it feels like forever..it does..and still the urge to just stop my head becomes overwhelming at times..there are still times that i just cant deal with things you know..and i dont know how to manage myself without hurting..and i knew perfectly well that i wasnt going to cut today...my thinking wasnt that far gone..but lady also told me that i needed to be honest with myself because if i was thinking about it then eventually i would have done it..and yes i know that she is right about that..with enough thinking about it and wanting it then i would have convinced myself that it was ok to cut..that it was ok to hurt.. but i havent..so umm we talked for a while and im supposed to be still working on thinking more positively and telling myself positive stuff..but one of the things that upset me a lot was that she asked me something and i told her that i wasnt important..and her response was that ok if i keep saying that then she is going to say it to..and i told her that i didnt want her to say it..i told her it was ok for me to say it but not ok for her to say it..because well i guess that then i start thinking that she really is going to give up on me or something..and i depend on her and others to keep contradicting me on that kind of stuff..i dont want her to give up on me..i dont want her or linda or jessica or kathy or any of the people that i care about to give up on me..i may push them away with everything i have but i need them..i need them to the voice of reason when i cant find any..

do i sound enough like a borderline person yet ?!?! ugh

but something i did think about today..was that ... the jealously part of things  that keeps coming up for me and causing me to feel so upset and terrirtorial and what not...growing up there was always someone else around..i never really had one on one attention that was positve..or helpful or caring or comforting..and so i avoided it at all costs because i didnt want any attention because for me attention was a negative thing..ive im bad yes ill have attention and nothing good will come of it..if i am in trouble i got attention..if i was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and i got attention, i am sure that it wasnt anything good that was coming from it..so attention is a double edged sword really..i dont want it..i hate it..i hate feeling like im being watched..i hate having someone looking just at me..i hate it because it makes me feel inadequate..it makes me feel scared and nervous and anxious..but i want attention..i want attention so so so much..and the people who currently give me attention all have you know their own lives and stuff..but i want 100% of there attention..i dont want to have to share there attention with anyone or anything..i want them to just have me and for that be enough..i want to be enough for someone..and i think that is why i get so jealous..because i get so caught up and attached to them and then i dont want to have to share them..i dont want to have to share them..and i get mad when there are others that get there attention..i dont like it..ive always had to share..its never just been me and me alone..:( 

maybe im just feeling sorry for myself today or something..well i know i am..but well yeah

i ended up taking nap when i got home earlier and i think my dreams were a little weird not scary completely but just different..not scary i dont think...

im about to take my night meds and just lay down some more..im feeling tired and worn out this week..i think the heat is really affecting me a lot..im tired..really really tired..