another morning

ive noticed that i am not drowning in depression but that i am depressed..and it maybe that i have been inside to long and need to get out of the house for a bit...and with work and turning stuff in today.. i guess i will be out of the house...its not been that ive been trapped inside..just had nothing to do really..and no money to do anything..and im trying hard not to just create a mess for the hell of having a mess to deal with..

in the mixed up days of the past two weeks ..with the major med changes and that crazy head stuff..i was scratching..and i learned that my 'light' scratching caused some scars...which wouldlnt matter but they were on my lower arms and the obviousness of what i did just stares me i nthe face and i am ashamed..very ashamed..i couldnt control myself..and i know that i am just going to have to move past them but right now i just look at them and it makes me sad..it makes me sad that once again it took physical pain to get through to myself..to calm down..to function in some way..im trying hard not to do it again..but at the same time i start feeling anxious and its like ..ok i dont even need a razor anymore..im no longer going for the massive damage..i just want to be able to get away from the inside hurt for a while..but all the smae..cutting, scratching, burning, purging, they are all the same thing..they all hurt at some point...and i can ignore it all that i want too..and i can ..but its other peoples reactions that concern me more..like why is it that they are scared and worried..and im like umm i have it under control..its not that big of a deal..but obviously that is just me and my confusion ..and misbeliefs ..i swear ...

but i dont know ..something is bothering me on a low grade level...like its there but its evading me and i cant figure out what it is..its just that something is bothering me..but i dont know..i mean gee my sudden lack of inhibition when it comes to sex and masturbation and all of that makes me feel crazy..and the odd thing is that the 'fantasy' i guess is the same one..over and over and over..and any way i try to explain it.it involves someone being hurt...either intentionally or she is being tricked into believing that she wants something and is a willing participant...but its wrong to make someone think they want something when they dont..you can convince a child to think they are a willing participant in sex and i hope every single person that does that burns in hell..but anyway..my dreams are taking on a familiar form again i think...me and two other girls..one i know im related to and one im not..but i am the oldest..and so i am technically the first target..but if i refuse they others get hurt..which means that either way i am forced to be do everything i dont want to do..and when even that fails and one of the others is hurt anyway..then it all just gets messy and confusing and i dont know...i wake up afraid...and then sometimes i dont want to leave the dream beacause afterhurt comes comfort..and i want to be comforted..i want to be protected..i can ignore what it takes to get that comfort..

right now its like no matter what intimacy and sex and all of that is in my head and has taken up residence and it is a struggle to remain in control and not go out and lseep with any one..i dont care..i want to know what it feels like to be touched and loved...i keep thinking that if i wasnt so shy and scared ..i truly would have been a slut..just for the physical aspect of things..the touching and caring and want..ok in my head that is what it would have been..and i would have done anything for it...but im not an expressive person and tend to shy away from relationships like that..and so i went to the other end of the spectrum and just refused to be near anyone partically...oh im find when im around people who i know are taken..because then there is no pressure for me preform..there is no pressure for me to get anyone to like me..i dont want anyone liking me..i cant stand the thought of anyone being in bed with me or near me or wanting anything from me..but lately i realize that sex would involve all of the things that i dont like or really want...but my judgement is lapsing right now..and i think of really stupid things...very very stupid things to do..and its like there is this itch that just cant be scratched..and oh ive tried..gosh darn ive tried and still its there and just as strong and bothersome...oh dear god i feel like i need to have a conversation with linda today about sex and i think it may kill me..

not to mention that i sorta think im attracted to someone at the church i go to..which is a huge no no..please dont let it be an attraction....i know nothing about her...im afraid of what i think i want from her..becuase it is not the same parenting type stuff that i want from some of the women there.. and then there is the sorta long distance relationship..that is just confusing ..and still im ready to like sleep with freaking anyone and that is going to need to stop...like now..that would be really awesome...im not a slut..and im not a whore..and i dont want to be touched..i dont i dont i dont i dont i dont .. crap i do..my head is full of all of these ideas and situations and control vs no control..and my fear...even in my head my fear stops me..and i think that is a major part of my issues with being in a relationship...one being i dont have the slightest idea of what im doing..but more than that is the issue that i will become so afraid in the middle of something happening and i can see that not ending well...i see this happening in my head and im begging for them to stop and to leave me alone..sometimes it works..more often it doesnt ..and its like no.. you got it started and so that means you will have to finish it..and still i end up hurt..how does that make sense...not even in my dreams do i have compelete control...even in my dreams i am still hurt, chased, forced, played with, pushed around, lost, forgotten, chased, so much running from the fear..fear of being caught, fear of being trapped..but there is no one to protect me..sometimes i cant even protect myself ... but i dont think i fight back very often...i try to avoid..escape..hide..get away...but not fight back...

and once someone told me that in dreams you have to replace everyone with yourself..and then work on understanding what is going on...becuase if thats the case then the most obvious thing is that i am still hurting and trying to protect myself all at the same time..and there is no balance..i try to protect to smaller sadder parts of myself..but im leaving myself open to constant violent attacks against me..and that no amount of running an hiding is going to do it..it always finds me..and takes me..and i end up hurt in some way...promising to be good..promising to keep the secrets..promising promising and more promising..i still promise to be a good girl..i promise to follow the rules and do what im told..i promise and promise and in return all i get is pain and hurt and confusion...i promise..i promised to be good..to be quiet..its like i just tiptoe around it all in my head..if i dont touch it or acknowledge it then i can pretend its not there..and that i can keep the illusion that i am not hurting and sad and afraid...

something i am noticing lately though..is that for as much as i want to be accepted by others..by everyone..its not going to happen like that..and with like church..yes i can be accepted but that means no talking about certain behaviors of mine..oh ok fine...and yes this past sunday my anxiety was up and down but manageable and i only get really panicked once or twice and started shaking...but i managed..i guess..i didnt really listen because my paranoia was kicking in big time and feeling like everyone is watching me and judging me..and gosh darn i was i nthe second darn row!! kill me now..but i went because i got to sit with denise..and that is its own set of issues for me...because i want her in a parent role..and will ask her for bunches of hugs because im not afraid of being hurt by her...because of how i was feeling i didnt let the bishop hug me yesterday..but i was able to be in his office for a little while..with his family in there...im not sure i would have managed one on one in his office..but his office smells like soap..i havent been able to figure out what kind it is..but i like the smell of his office...i raided the candy jars and told them they had stinky candy selections...and was told that then i should just bring in my own candy to put in the dishes..and i want to be accepted by them so so much...and lady is a woman who is very used to be listened to and having her request completed..and so me and my need to refuse and fight and be passive aggressive when im upset about something makes HER uncomfortable..i would say mad but im not sure about that..because again its not as if i am doing drugs ..or drinking so much i cant function..but whatever..and i think one of my issues is that i do need things to be repeatitive..i need to have the same questions answered and reanswered until i understand..until it makes sense to me..and its not that i dont listen..i just have a hard time with processing and reasoning out things in a way that makes sense to more than just me..ugh ..

but im getting sleepy ..so i have to stop writing...i really am sleepy