i think lately i have been trying to figure out what it is about religion and god that is escaping me..what is it about god and faith that i am missing..what is it that is wrong with me that i am not able to believe like everyone else seems to believe...
what ive learned though is that i am still that hurt little kid who is so upset and hurt that god didnt do what i was made to believe he would do..i lost faith in god and religion and now i dont know how to get it back..or if i even want it back.. why do the hurts from so long ago still affect me so very much? why am i still that small scared child and that i cant see this through an adults eyes..i get upset and scared.and once i am in that space then it is really hard for me to come back to myself..it is hard for me to understand what is happening and to understand what is being said..and i feel distrustful..and i just dont understand .. the problem though is who do i explain this too? who is going to be able to get down on my level? who is going to be able to deal with all the hurt that comes pushing to the surface when the topic of god and religion is given to me? who is willing to talk to me from the beginning and really hear my fear and hurt without judgement or condemning me for it...who is willing to do that with me?? and i dont think i am in the right place to accept it..but i also dont think i have found the right person to teach me...i have found people that i will listen..that i can hear sometimes..people who i want to connect with so very much...but because of my issues i fear that i wont be able to really connect...not in the way that i want to anyway..because my issues led to behaviors that i am learning a lot of people are not comfortable with.and have trouble talking about...its not that i am always negative and suicidial and wanting to die..but my need to talk about these topics is a big big deal..they are a part of who i am right now..i need to talk about them..i need to see them and understand them and not hide from them...and if i dont talk to someone else about it then i am just hiding ..and hiding leads to things that are worse than just the desire to talk about it...a desire to live isnt going to be all that keeps me alive..no amount of all this sudden positiveness is going to save me..maybe it will help..maybe listening and questioning is where i am at right now..i dont know..sometimes i do feel such a connection to what is being talked about..and sometimes its like i am connecting with nothing at all..and i would like to not be talked about as if i am possessed..
but i guess the biggest question is why do i keep going back??? if i am struggling so much? if i am so doubtful and fearful..why do i keep going back?? isnt it like just setting myself up for failure..setting myself up to be hurt?? to be left confused and alone because its hard for people to understand me and my situation..i dont want to be seen as special..i dont want to be seen as crazy..but really i guess all you would have to do is look at my arms and wonder if i am crazy or not..but going back...i go back because i want the care...the concern..i almost dont care that i get nothing from the 'service' .it is the people that i want..well some of them..i want the hugs..i want to be with other people...i mean maybe its just not for me..who know..but basing all of my current religious decisions on a couple hurtful conversations doesn't seem all that fair either..so ill give it more time..ill go and listen an think and wonder and question...i wont blindly follow though..i cant...
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