i had to get a tetanus shot yesterday. because of all the recent cutting and scratching and stuff..of course my pdoc would tell my reg doc..silly me for thinking otherwise..i did get the shot..but it wasnt the shot that got me all out of sorts..it was the fact that the shot had to be given in my arm and that meant i had to take my shirt off..no ifs ands or buts about it..it had to come off so that could reach my arm.the problem..the big big big problem with that is that the bulk of my scars are on my upper arms..and no one ever ever sees them. no one. ive managed to not fully undress in front of anyone for a very very long time. and to be told that i have to have the shot and that it has to be in my upper arm was not a good thing...i did it..and it was a very exposing and shameful thing..no the nurse didnt say anything at all..but it was just having my shirt off like thatand having someone else see my arms on a day when my head is already going crazy wasnt a good thing..they said the shot would cause a little bit of soreness..the liars...my arm fucking hurts..and i am feeling very hateful and upset and i dont want to be around anyone at all right now...
the biggest issue right now is that im being taken off the effexor completely..just got it back..just was starting to feel okay again..just to be told that i will have to come off of it becuase they cant get it through the assistance programs anymore..lucky lucky me..so my options yesterday..go ahead and come off of it..i told the doctor coming off of it makes me crazy..and i feel awful..im dizzy every time i stand up..i cant think..i cant process..i dont care about anything at all..i want to go away..please just make all of this stop..
logically i know that i shouldnt be working today..i know that .. because im at my breaking point..but ive already said that i would be at work and i have ppl waiting for me and expecting me and i have to go and i just want to scream and hide because i really think im losing my mind right now. and i cant even do that because i have to go to work ..and that means i have to keep it together and i tried..i tried to explain yesterday and ask for support and no one was available and everyone forgot about me..and its ok...stupid me for expecting anyone to actually get my message and call me ..i already knew i didnt matter so there is no point in asking for anything at all...everyone can need something from me..everyone ..but i cant get anything from anyone else and darn me for trying to ask..
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