i dont know what it is ..i really dont..that has me obviously acting like i have no sense when i go to church...bloody freaking hell what is it??? what am i doing or saying or not saying that has people getting the idea that i am the most negative person alive..and that i am not being positive enough and that i am just like a step from death at all hours of the day??!! what the hell?? it makes me upset because im being told that im being so negative and making it seem like my problems are so special and its like holy cow..no im not..crap it take me forever and a day to even admit that something is even going on..and well ok right now im a little bit more vocal about it because of my meds being wrong and so yes i am feeling badly..and no damn amount of positiveness is touching my mood right now..im tired and sick and headachey and dizzy and flippin cow im sorry if im having yet another bad day..ok im freaking sorry..but really all im learning is that in this particular environment..me being me and asking for help or support has to be in a very careful and none straightforward way..because if im to straightforward with it then i end up with pl telling me that im just being negative..and that i need to decide what it is that i want and if i believe in god and blah blah blah..if i knew if i believed then do you think i would always feel so confused when i go to church??? do you think i would look at you like you are crazy when you are asking me all these questions relating to god and i dont have any freaking answers for you?? obviously my religious education had some short comings..and some big darn gaping holes because there is just a lot that i am not connecting with..which in turn makes me feel rather stupid..and tonight at bible study i really wasnt understanding and so listening to it just made me feel really anxious and stupid and like i really was going to go to hell so then what was the point in me doing a damn thing differently...but pretty much tonight was about how to know if you have accepted god or something along those lines and its like well if you have then you have spoken in tongues...now i have watched ppl speak in tongues ..in church..and it freaks me out..i dont understand it..it scares me..but according to the bible study tonight i am just lacking horribly and ive never spoken in tongues so my whole role in getting to heaven has been like short changed..because i have somehow missed the guidebook for this is what is supposed to happen in order for you to go to heaven..
maybe i am holding on to childhood beliefs and misconceptions..ok i know i am holding on to them..because i still dont understand..i dont understand why it is that i prayed and asked for help and did what i had to do or what i was taught to do..and i ended up being hurt over and over and over again..and i prayed so hard for help and i prayed so hard to be saved..i think there were times that i just prayed to die so that it would be over and done with..and nothing changed..nothing happened..how do you explain to a child that god didnt hear them? that god somehow missed there requests for help?? how do you explain to that hurt adult that for whatever reason god has some divine plan for you and you had to stay where you were..what sense does that make?? who wants to hear that?? oh well you know we wanted you to grow into a strong adult and so we just decided to let you suffer and watched you and made sure you didnt die..but you had to deal with everything else? who in the hell wants to be told that?? what hurt adult wants to be told that well god is this all caring all power being and that you can talk to him and he will hear you and he will be able to give you assistance and help..i mean no not like dropping money out of the sky..but like you know you wont feel alone and that you will find the strength to get through and all of this...how can you expect an adult that grew up with a completely different belief system to suddenly buy all of this and believe it and understand it...how can you expect this adult to just wipe away years and years of hurt and pain and confusion when it comes to religion ..because right NOW the message she is getting is that god is great, and god loves, and god forgives..and if you believe and have faith then god will provide for you..really ??? obviously my faith buttons are broken..my trust buttons are broken..and still i go and go and go and hope for something to change..hope for something to happen..something to become better..im waiting for god to speak to me..but really i think i just want someone to explain it to me..i want answers to the questions that ive had for years..i want to be told why it is that it was me..why was i the one that got hurt..why was i the one that grew up and came to associate pain with love and safety and security..why was i the one whose trust was broken and rebroken over and over and over..and now im being expected to blindly follow the flock...im suddenly supposed to follow the rules for a god that i dont believe in, a god i have no faith in, a god that i cant see or hear, a god that i am told about through other people?? is it even okay to say that i am mad at god..i think i was told once that i couldnt blame god...because god wasnt the one hurting me..maybe that is true..but in my child mind..god was at fault..god is at fault..because god didnt protect me..god didnt save me..god didnt help me..as a child i was taught that god was the protector i think..god was there for you..i mean as much as a child can understand..
but now i am an adult..and suddenly i am struggling with all of this again..all of the confusion and doubt..i want answers..and no one can give them to me..no one can explain to me why things happened that happened...plenty of people can tell me to forgive though..plenty of people can tell me to let it go and move on...and i cant let it go..i cant because i dont understand it..because these questions come from the core of my being ..it is not that i just woke up one morning and decided that today was the day i was going to lose faith in god and religion...no ..this was a steady thing..a learned thing..a learned belief..how can you explain to the hurt child ? how do you explain to the hurting child the reasons for what happened? the reasons behind what happened? how do you explain how god has played into it? and where the blame needs to go?
i dont care what anyone says...you cant fix the broken adult without first healing the broken child...and to do that you have to find and acknowledge the child..you have to hear the questions..listen to the fears..give her the protection and security, and safety that she needs...the broken child has to be able to heal and grow..because without her..the broken adult will never be able to be whole...never
i do remember though now ..why it is that religion and church were never truly places of comfort for me...maybe it is just that i havent been taught it correctly..maybe its that i just havent had a chance to really have someone help me figure out what it is that i want to know and why...but i do know..that positivity is being shoved down my throat and i dont like it one bit...i dont mean to come across as being this all special yes i have problems being...my meds have been screwy lately and yes im having trouble containing myself..and panicking and being around so many people still makes me very nervous and on edge...what am i supposed to do? who am i supposed to ask? because im sorry but in my small little world i am still just beginning to learn that its ok to ask for help and support..and im not good at it by any means..i struggle with it and accepting that i even have stuff to struggle with..and its like my asking for help is just coming across as being negative and always talking about dying...so cutting and dying and two off limit topics for church...how does that make sense?? damn it maybe my problems are to darn special cas im not able to talk about them in normal conversation.. yes i can talk about being depressed but then i have to talk about how god is going to heal me..i can talk about financial issues but then i have to hear about how i have to give to receive..but if i talk about cutting or suicide..then im just going to hell because its wrong and bad and not acceptable... thank you religion for teaching me that there are guidelines that have to be followed within the church..thank you for showing me that i am not only weird and a freak..im a weird crazy freak with a ticket to hell because god forbid i ever have a conversation about the true extent of the conversations i have with myself..ill be scheduled for an exorcism faster than i can spell my name... im glad thats gotten all cleared up..maybe ill sleep a little bit easier tonight because of it..
is it really any wonder that ppl tend to look for answers and acceptance in all the 'wrong' places..and with all the 'wrong' things... because they are repeatedly rejected again and again within the normal standards of society..they have no where else left to go..
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