i was having a chat today about a recent struggle i had with the pastors wife..and it wasnt really a struggle it was a conversation that left me feeling very hurt, sad, rejected, disheartened...a lot of not so good stuff..but more than anything else i was hurt..i believed that she would not judge me..i wanted to believe that she was like this ultra special person and that she would be able to support and love and care for me..
but i have had to do a lot of thinking between then and now..and yes it still hurts me..the whole thing..because its like i had her on the pedestal and that she could do no wrong...i wanted her to just make things ok for me..i wanted her to believe in me..and not give up on me..and of course support me.. but from the conversation this past week..i realize that with her acceptance comes at a cost...acceptance comes with guidelines..and rules..and if i cant conform then ..i am judged..i am condemned..i am not accepted...and that hurts me..because i went into the relationship wanting her to be a parent..wanting her to be my parent..and she isnt my parent..and its not fair for me to have so many expectations of her..for me to want so many things from her...i was willing to do what she wanted..i was willing to try and to be good and to be what she said i should be..to do what she said i should do...because i felt like i had too..and so when i failed it was hard for me to accept.it was hard for me to come to terms with..i wanted to be perfect for her..but my past will not be gone just because she has said me so..i cant erase years of hurt and pain and shame and guilt and all of that after talking to her a few times..im not able to stop behaviors right then and there because she believes that it is not ok...
i am not my scars..i am not my past..but i am also not this automatically positive person either..it takes a lot of work and constant effort for me to feel ok and to feel like i can manage..and once again i was pulled into someone elses idea of what i needed to be doing and how i needed to act and think..and that never lasts for long..that never works for long .. and when i had a set back..it made me feel as if i just messed everything up..and i dont like feeling like that..because it was becoming to much of like how things were with mommy..how things are with mommy..and i dont want that..i dont need that..i will not allow that to happen..
if i do decide to keep going to church..then i need to learn to control my boundaries..and i will have to accept that my scars are there and that they do not define me..i am not my scars..i am able to laugh and talk and care and love regardless of the scars..the scars are a result of a behavior..i am not doing it for attention..i am not doing it to die..i am able to manage and keep myself under control ... the cutting is a behavior..a symptom...
i know that i did not do a good job of explaining..and i did not explain what it is that i wanted or needed from her..my desires to be protected and cared for got in the way..and maybe i just wasnt even sure what it was that i did want from her..i know that i have to let her take the next step though because i asked to talk to her..and now i have to wait for her to answer..i will give her space and all of that..i will not push..and i have to be able to accept what she decides..and be able to understand that it is not necessarily a reflection of me..i have to learn that not everyone is able to accept the cutting..not everyone can accept or understand the self harm..the desire..the urge..the needs that are all tangled up into it...and i just need to be more careful about it..it is not something that has to come up in common conversation..it is not something that has to be known..i am more than that and i have to remember that..
i cant make anyone else accept it or deal with it..but i can teach others about it..i can educate and advocate.. i can work to change how people see it...i will not continue to be forced to be silent and to hide and to pretend..its not fair..i am different..i am not crazy..im not stupid..i dont deserve to be locked away anywhere..and i do not need to worry that i am unable to help someone else because of my own behaviors..i am getting help..i am working on controlling my behaviors..i am working to learn other things to do to help get through the urges ..im learning to work through the thoughts and feelings and emotions..i am not just cutting and that is it..no i am in therapy..i am talking..i am asking for support..i am trying..regardless of what other people say or see..i am trying my hardest to get past this..to get through this..
i guess i am just disappointed that it is in church that i find that i am not accepted..and maybe it is fear..people are afraid of what they do not understand..people are afraid of the unknown..i wanted to be accepted..to not be judged..to be valued and cared for and supported..and maybe i will have to look for those things outside of the cutting...i have linda and others for the support of the self harm and when i am struggling with that..maybe i need to view church in a different way until i am stronger..until i understand more..i am not willing to completely give up the care i have gotten from some people there..i cant let that go..i dont think i can...
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