needing to write....

last night was a haze...a huge huge haze..im just not sure what happened really..i wanted to just not be apart of anything at all..i dont want to be around anyone ..im feeling very sad and confused...my feelings are hurt..but then the truth hurts doesnt it..the truth hurts and it sucks and it makes me sad to know that other ppl see me as being untruthful and of playing games...have i really completely lost touch with who i am ? have i just become a make up of what everyone else wants to me be?  how far have i come just to go backwards and still stay stuck?  why am i holding on to the past so very hard?  why is it that i havent been able to let things go..to move on..to know that the past is just that..the past and that it can no longer hurt like it did then?  why am i stuck locked in these feelings of sadness and hurt and loneliness? i dont mean to do it.i dont mean to play games but i do manipulate..i manipulate awfully :( and i feel awful...how screwed up am i really?  how much has the past just messed me up?? why cant i see what other people see in me..why do i have to struggle so much with everything?  why do i have to learn that its ok to be happy..it ok to not want to hurt myself..

i want so much to get attention..to get support and care and understanding and yet i keep messing it up..i overload and push away and do things on purpose ..until im just left by myself .. until i am just alone again..

it is wrong of me to expect that everyone will be able to accept the cutting..accept the scars...its not fair for me to expect that from others..i have been spoiled in a way i guess..in that the ppl i work with..my therapist..my past teachers..understood..the drive..the urge..what was behind it to a certain extent...but someone else..just a person i know may not understand it like them..it is odd and wrong and bad..and i feel ashamed...i am shamed of what i have done..i am ashamed of how much i feel i need to do it..im ashamed of the scars and how much i have destroyed myself..she tells me its wrong..that its crazy..and she is right isnt she :( am i crazy? do i need to be institutionalized? do i need to be locked up...locked away...is there something wrong with me ? what do i do? i know its not normal..it is a coping method..not a great one..but a coping one all the same...is it fair for me to expect her to understand and support something that she considers to be so wrong..something that she sees as being a sin..why do i want so much from her? why do i need so much from her ?  its not fair...i just want her to want me..to accept me..i want her to love me and parent me and need me..i want her to parent me..and im hurt that she is not able to be in that role..she wont be in that role..and maybe that is what is causing so much hurt right now..that she is not able to be what i want her to be  for me...and im feeling alone..very alone and confused..because i dont understand what it is that i need to do..what it is that i want to do...what do i have to decide...

what do i want..i am so tired..tired of all of this...but the hurt doesnt go away..the hurt never goes away..

 i just want to hide away..i want to ignore everyone and everything until i get it figured out..i dont know what i want to do..i dont know what i should do...but i am just feeling sad ...very very sad and unsure and afraid..