I can feel it…the sadness starting to become overwhelming and I know I am worrying a lot right now about things..and that is not helping at all..i did go to work this morning and I was there at like 7:45 ! freakin early and im surprised that I actually managed it..i was still 15mins late..but I got there before 8…so that was an improvement..and then while I was at work I was fine…but when I was finished..the sadness immediately kind of hit me..and I just wanted to go home and hide…I managed a little while at the library..and I tried to write but I just couldn’t get the words out..i didn’t know what to say…or how to say it..and I was just tired and hungry and tired…and I tried to not do the stupid thing I did..but I didn’t manage..and ended using money I didn’t have, on food I didn’t need, and ended up sorta binging…like I don’t know..it was one of those out of control moments..where stupid thoughts and actions happen and I feel completely powerless to stop them…so now my bank account is about to be screwed all up..and I knew better you know..and I just want to beat myself up about it..because I realized way to late of course ..that if I was going to mess up my bank acct I should have messed it up on stuff for bounce..cas shes low on things and im out of money ..unless I borrow from mommy ..and that wont even work because of what I did today..and so yeah..im just frustrated at myself and worried about next week..and I keep telling myself that I just have to make it to Friday of next week and I get paid again..and ill have more money and will be able to pay things and possibly get internet and all of that…I need to get internet or something because I am going insane …and well yeah..and im feeling stupid about the fact that I am not keeping my apartment as clean as I should..and things just always feel so messy and im just always so tired or I don’t care or I have motivation or interst in cleaning..ugh..i guess tonight is a beat up on myself night..and its going at full force..like im picking at everything that ive kinda messed up lately..and because I came home..binged..and then fell asleep for like 3 hours..its like ive once again missed an entire day and im not sure how…gosh tomorrow ill have to make up hours for work..and then ill be looking at the weekend and all of that empty time and I don’t know..i don’t have anything to do really..and the urge to just drive away from everything is strong.but how far will I make it on like a half a tank of gas and no money? Where in the world do I think im going to be going ? I wish I could have a vacation..a get away something…but theres no time for it..no money for it..and no real drive for it..i can hide out in my apartment for days and that would be a vacation..except I would prolly be just as tired at the end of it..sometimes not doing anything isn’t relaxing or restful at all..i don’t know…just in a sorta bad mood..i guess..really starting to worry about next week and all that is going to happen..i see linda..and my pdoc..and then I have to see the real doc too..and see about the prescription program and get my feet looked at..and my rash thing looked at..and yeah…and then add in work and my reg week stuff and im feeling a bit stressed already..but I guess my biggest worry is my meds right now…I need them filled next week..i don’t have the money to pay out of pocket for them..and so im feeling rather stuck right now…and im forced to just wait and see what happens or what I am told or what ill have to do…it frustrates me..and the worrying is happening all the time..about everything..and talking to my pdoc about my mood swings will be scary as heck..and well just talking to her about everything that has been going on is going to be scary..and once again im stuck dealing with stuff that I cant control or know the outcome of and that makes me worry even more…I don’t like not knowing how it is all going to work out..and I try to tell myself that its going to be ok..and that I will figure something out..and just you knowk somehow it will work out..but im afraid because I cant trust those thoughts completely…I don’t know if they are true..or if it will work out..or what will happen..
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