what i wrote at home

I can feel it.,,im slipping…falling hard into just all the negative thinking and feeling and just wanting a way out…im at home and really haven’t even been at home for a full day and already I want to leave..i want to go back to va..i want to go home…this isn’t my home anymore..my home is in Richmond with bounce..not here..and its as if I just stick out horribly in my family..no one knows me..no one wants me around..and im not comfortable here..always on guard..wondering what is being thought or said about me..being at home makes me feel depressed..just being here..nothing has happened..nothing has caused me to feel depressed…but I am..i want to cry and im feeling trapped and very alone and isolated…now im surrounded by people and I feel more alone here than at my apartment in va..and im anxious…my depression is playing a part in things..i don’t feel involved..i want quiet and to be left alone..in a house full of people..someone is always talking…doing soething..playing music…and because of my medicine I cant drink..which I forgot..and barely drank half a cup of a mixed drink and I felt sick..and so stopped..and just kinda watched at the wedding…the wedding was today and that was a bunch of bs.like im happy for the couple I am..but im embarrassed by my family and the racist stuff that is going on…I thought that junk didn’t happen..and I guess that’s highly stupid of me you know…but I am upset that there are ppl in my family that don’t except my cousins new wife because she is white..and have told her so..and it bothers me…a lot..and I just kinda found all that out and I didn’t want to be at the wedding anymore..i felt sad and angry and just frustrated that the girl is getting married and is more anxious about her husbands side of the family because of there disapproval…I don’t know the girl..but well with my talking skills it would take forever for me to get to know her…and just to prove the others wrong I feel the need to be beyond welcoming and nice and all of that…I mean really its just a skin color..why does that need to be so importantL  why does that have to hold so much weight..and why are the standards different  depending on who it is..its unfair…very very unfair..and it all upsets me very much..i don’t understand people..i really don’t..i don’t understand the need to hate and condemn someone based on how they are different…and it happens every single day..the wedding itself was nice..but again I spazzed…I don’t like crowds and this was a crowd for me..i didn’t feel comfortable..i wasn’t in my element at all..and I felt like it..i wasn’t feeling good and just wasn’t in a partying mood..i had moments where I was included and stuff..but there were times when it felt like I was just completely alone in a sea of all of these people..and no one noticed me..:( it was hard..and I was feeling sad and closed off and just wanted to sit somewhere quiet and read..and I couldn’t…and then I didn’t want to play a game with my sister and brother and his gf and I just feel pressured I guess..i want to be included but I don’t want to drink…and I don’t feel up to it..im tired…and ive done a lot of driving in the past couple days and im not sleeping and just so much is goiong on in my head that I know that drinking anything else will not be a good idea..im sorry im not more social..i am…im sorry im not more talkative and all of that…but its just not me …and I don’t know how to fit in with my own family..and so yes my depressing sad and overwhelming thoughts are crazy right now…im judging myself horribly..and I just want to sleep and forget to think..or do anything..but I don’t have enough meds..and so its either I sleep tnight or tomorrow night..but I don’t have enough for both nights and that is upsetting too..and just there is to much of changing beds..and not feeling comfortable..and being on edge..and I just cant manage right now..and I want to go home..and cant…not until Sunday… I just want bounce and my apartment and my stuff and just ..everything that I don’t have here..