no i didnt cut this morning..although again i wanted to
i did set up a payment for the end of the week..and will have to manage .. pdoc talked a lot about the bill and what that means..and mentioned that i will have to consider moving to a different place to see a pdoc due to money and what not..and i asked if i had a choice in the matter..and she said not really..and that i will have to have an appt set up at the other place by the time i go back to see her..and she didnt do anything with my meds..and so i feel i dont know how i feel..once we talked about me moving..i just kinda shut up and shut down..kept thinking that ill just have to change and not see her and not wanting to change and that she just doesnt want to help me or anything..and yes i turned it all around in my head..and left her feeling worse than when i went in and thats saying something because i was already feeling bad...really tearful and just out of it after leaving her..and i went to see a client and he rescheduled and so now i am just hiding out in the library until it is time for me to go see linda..and im not sure i want to see her now..cas in such a bad mood and just wanting to cut and do all sorts of not ok things..and head hurts.and just feeling really messed up and like ive just managed to keep messing everything up and no matter what i do i wont be able to fix anything..and i just want to say screw it to both therapy and pdoc in general and stop the meds and stop seeing both of them and just manage on my own...
because i know the place sorta that pdoc mentioned me going to..and well i even went the step further and called to ask...and well i have to do the intake thing and that is a walk in type appt..and so i just have to go there and see if i qualify..and if not well then im screwed..and yeah i know that if i walk in and say i want to kill myself..then yes im pretty sure i will qualify..but i dont want to go there..and i dont want to get stuck in the county mental health system..i really dont.. 
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