it feels like it is all a jumbled up mess ..with no beginning and no end..its just little bits of truth..mixed in with a lot of questions and wondering and empty space..i wish i was able to sit down and write things out in some sort of order..but i dont remember ages..i dont remember time frames..i dont know who was there..i dont know how i felt..i dont know anything..and it all seems so insignificant really..how can i piece anything together when i dont remember enough to start with..who is it possible to make sense of the mess that is my head? and why do i have to do it now? and i guess that is one of those questions i do have the answer to..i talked to t some last week about not wanting to be in therapy for the rest of my life..about how if i dont deal with it then it will just keep coming up again and again..and that it will keep being a struggle and im tired of struggling..i really truly am..im tired of wanting to die..of thinking of ways to die..im tired of medication..and needing the medication to just feel normal and capable..im tired of feeling like i am not stable enough to manage my own life with out help..im just tired of it all...i dont want to be like this..i want to be happy and for it be truly real and not just a medication induced side effect that will only last for a little while..im tired of the sadness and the thoughts that i cant put words too..of being afraid of everything and nothing..of having to explain why it is that i am just not like the rest of my family..im tired of thinking and believing that there is something wrong with me..that i am flawed in some major way..that i am just broken and out of sorts and alone...and unlovable..talk now or talk later..the choice really is mine i guess..but maybe by telling linda that its ok for her to push me..i am taking some of the pressure off of myself...im giving someone else a chance to say..you need to talk...if its left up to me..i will keep fighting it..and i know that just my agreeing to let linda push me is not going to make me suddenly feel super happy and eager to talk..no not even close..i want to talk even less now than i did before..i want to hold my secrets tightly to myself and hope that linda will lose interest..that she will look past me and not see what i am still trying so very hard to keep locked up...linda talked about me having a door inside..and that the little girl is still standing in front of it and doing everything in her power to keep it firmly closed...nothing gets out..and when it starts to open..or when someone tries to talk..it shuts firmly back into place before anything really comes out..that i can see..i can agree with..i can see the door ..i can see it being held shut..i can see the bricks that firmly keeps things out...and i look at it ..and study it and wonder what it will take to get it to open..to get anything past...i wonder just how strongly those defenses are in place..and what will happen if and when the defenses truly have to come down..i wonder how i will handle it..and it scares me...we talked some to linda about the fear talking causes ..but im afraid there is more..there are other fears..other defenses that are in place that linda hasnt run into yet..and that by me trying to talk and to get things out..those defenses are going to push back at full force..linda told me not to worry about her..that she could handle herself..and that i dont need to worry about her...but i am worried..very very worried..and i know the worry is going to keep driving me crazy..until i get to see her again..and ease my fears somehow..i need to know that she is still there..that she is you know okay..the fear and worry wont stop until i can actually see her..and feeling that..i realize that the attachment that hadnt happened yet is happening..beginning to happen..i want her help and support almost as much as i want her to just leave me alone..and forget i exist...i dont know what i need from her..and i can safely say that the mothering feelings are not attached to her..and so that is one small thing that i am glad about...cas the mothering feelings cas a heck of a lot of issues..going home with linda..or staying in her office for hours..yeah those thoughts are still there..but i can work through those enough to find the logic on the other side..but also im realizing that right now would be the time that i want a mother very badly..because the fears and worries are overwhleming and there is no one to step in with a hug or nice words or comfort..and im left to do that for myself and i may as well have been asked to go and have a baby for all the help i am to myself..i dont understand sometimes why i feel no sort of comfort for myself..why i am unable to comfort myself..i dont understand why i have to want something so badly and i cant have it..and i am trying to find support in other ways..and im trying to keep writing and getting things out of my head...im trying hard not to self medicate..although im kinda failing at the whole self medicate thing..trazodone works wonders when i dont want to think and just want to sleep..heck lately during the day all i want to do is sleep..ugh..really need to collage and there is no more magazines for me to use right now...
so i need to think and stay busy and do anything else to distract myself...because im afraid to have the whole weekend in front of me with nothing to keep my mind busy...im back to being afraid of myself..and lost in the sad thoughts that i cant identify...
ive been thinking about blame lately..i dont know why..and i keep questioning if i blame mommy for how i am...and i want to be the bigger person and say of course i dont blame her...but then i have to sit and think about who put the ideas in my head..who told me i was awful and not needed..how treated me differently and didnt allow me to do the same stuff as my siblings..but then i wonder if maybe i was just to sensitive as a kid..to easy hurt..to quiet to be noticed..and yeah i have my own stuff that i blame myself for..things that i did..mistakes that i made..people that i hurt..lies and guilt and shame..and mixed up in the fabric of my past...but i really have to wonder about blame..and where its supposed to go..or who it is going to be applied to..overall i say i hold most of the blame for everything..correct or incorrect i dont know..its just so easy..im the easy target..i can deal with it..i can handle it..it is ok that i blame myself for it all..i wasnt good enough..i wasnt strong enough..i should have stopped it..i should have protected myself..and since i didnt ...since i wasnt able too..then yes its all my fault..and yes i deserve to die..i deserve to hurt to be in pain..to suffer..what else is there for me to do? what is there for me to feel? how should i feel?
and then it all gets jumbled up again..i run into empty space and i run out of things to talk about..i run out of things to remember..i feel confused and sad..very very sad..the saying is that the truth hurts..the truth will set you free..what exactly is it that i need to be free of? and the truth cas caused me nothing but pain and loneliness for as long as i can remember..and now im asked to accept the truth..my own truth..to tell my story...i dont have a story..i dont know my life..i dont remember enough to even base it on anything..feelings and emotions and sadness and fear..thats what i know..and that is what i hide from..
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