hmm feeling really quiet ...

things are fairly quiet right now i guess..it sorta feels like im laying low..letting things kind of adjust and im trying to just process everything that is going on..because well there is a lot going on..aand it is all just a lot to deal with on some levels and completely out of my control on others..and so i guess in some way i am trying to keep myself safe and sane ..

so what is going on...i mean i can say that the ususal stuff is going on..that im worrying alot and having trouble sleeping and majorly weird dreams that seem to be so close to reality.and just feeling sad and upset and well just feeling a lot of stuff..and not sure what to do with myself you know...im tired..and sleepy and just wanting to ignore the world a bit...im worried about work stuff and my clients and my new clients and just lots of worrying going on...

the big thing this week..hmm there have been a few...im totally and utterly upset with my pdoc..and even though on some level i can completely understand where she is coming from..its like she isnt getting that change is a major..massive no for me..and i know that its not fair that i cant afford her..and that i have a bill for her..and that i cant really pay it off all at once..and all of that..i know that..i do..and that she doing her job and that means she gets paid for her services..and so on and so forth..and im not doing what i need to be doing you know..and so yes when she mentioned me having to consider other options and look into a pdoc i can afford..i was throughly pissed off at her..mad at the world..and just not in a good frame of mind...understanding the situation and then knowing that it most likely means changing doctors does not make me feel better at all..and i dont like...and i dont like that i told her im struggling right now and she didnt changge my medicine..but with her i know its a waste of breath to argue the mendication point..and so somewhere at the back of my mind i have to wonder if a new pdoc is a better option...and then i feel guilty for even thinking that...but pretty much i was told i dont really have a choice in the matter and that i will need to do what she is advising..and that for now she will be able to keep seeing me possibly..but not long term or whatever..and so yes i did shut down fairly quickly in her office..and stopped listening to her..and just couldnt focus on what she was saying and it just kept coming back to not having a real choice in the matter you know..and i dont like that..i know i dont make massive amounts of money but not having the money to afford the services that i needs makes me want to just scream and cry in frustration..it really does...and so i was told that between now and my next appt with my pdoc that i need to check out the resource that she gave me..which is one of the county mental health places ..and i dont know how i feel about that..im ashamed and slightly horrified that i cant afford my doctors or my medicine..im ashamed that i have to use free services and get assistance and resources..and i guess i just feel like one of my clients you know..being handed all of this information about services that i use with my clients and its like you need to call and make am appointment and go through the intake just to see if i qualify for assistance..i am very ashamed and maybe that is what is at the bottom of all of my anger and upset about the situation..

and so i will do what i said i would do..i will go and do the intake and see what happens and report back like a good little girl..because if nothing else i can follow orders :(

i also had to talk about the finiancial piece of it..and let them know that i will be coming in on friday to pay on both accoutns a bit...and go from there..do i really have the money...prolly not..but this is a bill i created and so i have to be the adult and be responsible and pay it off as much as i can a little at a time...even though it also shames me horribly..shame...pride..its all meshing in with all of this and causing more problems that its worth..it really is...and im just struggling .. i mean crap what next?? ill be applying for medicaid?? applying for disability?? ugh..i know i am overreacting big time but it all just upsets me ..and feeling stuck and frustrated gets me no where...and if i dont set something up soon then ill have to most likely stop seeing linda..and well im going downhill now...lets add in not seeing linda ..and well i guess then it will jut be a matter of time before i do something incredibly stupid...i mean already i fight the urges of cutting and how much easier it would be if i just kept giving in..of wondering what would happen if i just had more razors available..and how easy it would be to just make the inside pain go away..take away my only real outlet..and yeah..dont know..dont trust myself at all right now..and well i guess thats saying alot...how can i be so depressing and hopeless with myself..and then be so positive and almost upbeat with my clients..why is it possible for me to give them hope aabout there lives and concerns and issues..and not myself...why am i so different...why do i have to treat myself so differently??

and well that leads me to saying that i talked to linda..really truly talked to linda about the past..about the beatings..about mommy...not everything..just some things..and it was hard and scary and made me feel very exposed and troubled..and she told me that it wasnt my fault and that it was abuse and i just dont know what to think..im afraid you know..worried about what she thinks..worried about what i think...since tuesday the thoughts have calmed down some concerning that therapy session..and im afraid that i do feel a sort of relief..if i let myself..that finally im talking about it..that finally it will stop having so much power over me..that finally i will at least be able to stop hiding to one person...but then i just try to fight myself on how i am feeling and about what happened and what i sad and i feel horrified that i gave in and actually talked to her..that i told her about some of the fear..and all of that..and i wonder if i am doing the right thing..if i am making the right choice...and i dont have an answer for myself...i am trying to be very careful and keep tight control on my moods and reactions and things..i dont want to do anything stupid..and i dont want to end up messing things up you know...im still walking that fine line between being ok and not ok..but i have to take it a day at a time..or it all becomes overwhelming to me...im working on collages and things..and trying to do little things to distract myself..

and for the topper to the week..i had to go and see the doctor yesterday...and yes shame and anxiety was at an all time with that one..but i went...regular doctor appt at the free clinic..and all fear and shame aside..it went okay...i had to ask for a female doctor though..because at first they had me with a male doctor and i just was not ok with that at all..and so i was able to see a female doctor and she was incredibly nice..and caring..and touchy...i really do think she cared though..and we talked a lot about how i was feeling and the depression and what not..i told her about my medicine and the issues going on with my pdoc and possibly needing to find a new one..and so we talked about that..and she checked me out and everything.nothing incredibly invasive..and at one point she stopped and told me that it was ok to look at her..and that there was nothing to be ashamed of..and i almost wished i was able to just let go of the fear and look at her..but i couldnt..and it wasnt about her..but just me and the situation and all that was going on ..and my usual fears that prevented me from looking at her..but i did work hard to be honest about what was going on..and how i had been feeling..and what was bothering me physically and emotionally..talked about the depression and the cutting even..and yes i even had her check out my feet and the issues going on there..and at the end..she of course gave me lots of information about another free service..that would possibly be able to help with seeing a pdoc..and getting meds and everything..i was able to get a sample for the lexapro..and will have that for a month! which really truly helped out a lot..and even though i have to  get the effexor out of pocket for this month..next month ill be getting it through the clinic at a reduced price...and that will take care of those two...i think that in the future i will be dealing with some major med changes and everything..and ill have to have some plan set in place you know to get them...so again i have all this information and all this stuff to do..and again it was given to me in a way that is you have a month to check it out..before my next appointment..i have two different places to check out for the same service..and both have an intake process that i have to go through..and see what happens..i have a follow up appt next month to go back to the doctor..and ill go..i was warned that i most likely may not be seeing the same doctor..and i guess the lady i saw yesterday picked up on my fear of just being there and what ever..and told me that all of the doctors were understanding and caring and would do everything possible to help me...and she added that she put in my chart that i wanted to see a female doctor..because i do refuse to see a male..i just cant do it..im not comfortable with a male..and so i guess it was a positive visit you know..still afraid of going back and worried ..but i guess each time it will be easier to go and see the doctor..because lately its like..i think that its hard to get help if i cant talk about what is going on..you know its not that i lie about stuff ..but i just dont say anything..and i have to start talking if i want to get help..and its like there are resources and what not and i just have to be willing to use them and benefit from them while i can..and that line of thinking does make me feel like a client.but im trying to keep in mind that all of this stuff in confidential and that even if i happen to see a doctor at the same place i take a client then its not as if i will be talked about while there..its not about me when im working..and when im not working its about me..and i have to be able to understand the difference and know that i am safe..and that no one is going to tell on me.. -sigh- and that i am just using a resource..and that it is not the end of the world...even though it feels like it may end at any moment..

and so that is where i am at i guess...lots to think about..lots to decide..

i get paid tomorrow and everything and im trying so hard to figure out bills and spending money and all of that..i wish for things to work out but i know that it is still going to be tricky for a little while..and that no everything is able to be paid at this time..and so ill have to deal with it..and pay what i can..and pay on things..and then just go from there...because well there are the important things..and then there are things that i just want..and with going home for the weekend at the end of next week i will need money for gas and traveling and everything..in addition to my usual weekly stuff you know..and then having money for gas and groceries and all of that..so yeah..im glad tomorrow is pay day..but im also dreading that tomorrow is pay day...ugh...and plus i need to get my effexor filled..and possibly my other med..and well gonna have to see how much it will be and go from there...

and today well is not a busy day for me like yesterday was..and so im ending up taking it easy and everything you know...but still feeling kinda lost at what to do with myself..and trying not to stay at home ..because i know ill just fall into bad thoughts and depressive thinking and everything..so yeah..