Today..tonight..im struggling..big time struggling…wanted to cut..still really wanting to cut ..but trying to stay distracted…and played a card game on my phone..and now playing cards on my computer..and if I see another card game ill scream..but the bad thing about the games is that I can play and still think..and right now thinking is the problem..thinking is what is driving me crazy..because I didn’t realize how much going home brings up so many unmet needs that I have..needs that I cant seem to put a name to.but I am obsessing about getting a new pet..and it is an obsession and most likely wont stop till I have one…I keep telling my client that im going to take her baby..ive told my sister and brother and ppl I work with that I want a baby to have..and that I want some one to give me a baby…no where in any of this do I mention wanting a husband or a boyfriend..i don’t want to be pregnant and actually have a baby..no .. so what do I want? A baby to magically fall from the sky and into my lap? What is it that im trying to get that I cant seem to get the words out to express like a normal person? Why am I using my wants of a baby or a new animal to cover up what it is that I truly need…I mentioned the baby thing again today to the secretary at work…and she looked at me like I had lost my mind…and then she said..that I just wanted something to love…and then that turned into a conversation about a boyfriend ..and I just ugh I cant handle those conversations because I cant ever seem to get into why that is such a problem for me…and I had a conversation right before that with my supervisor about babys and being pregnant and artificial insemination and all of that..and barely managed to contain the horror of actually having a child..but I got through the convo…and along the lines of her asking that I just have the baby I mentioned that I wasn’t going to and that there were issues with that…no details..so I have no idea what she got from it..but who knows..but anyway..i left them and just cant seem to get the thoughts out of my head…am I really lacking so very much in love that I would be willing to do something off the wall to get it? I don’t understand myself..and I don’t want to understand the fear and disgust over having a relationship with anyone..i don’t want to have to acknowledge just how much it is that I hate myself..and just how unfair it would be to subject someone else to that level of self hate..yeah I can hide it..but it would come out…all I would really have to do would be to pull up my sleeves and the self hate is written all over my body…in every single scar, in every single cut..there is hate..there is fear, sadness, hurt..all things that I struggle to explain to someone else..why would I willing make someone else carry my burdens for me..thats not possible…and its not that I cant love someone else…I just wont allow myself to..and I don’t think I would allow someone else to love me…im to distrusting..i would wonder why me..why waste the time on me? And I wouldn’t be comfortable with it..because I couldn’t accept that someone else can love me when there is nothing in me worth loving..i am nothing..im not important..im not needed or wanted..and still believe quite simply that if I died tomorrow no one would miss me at all..that is what I think..so why would I begin to drag someone down with me.i can do that alone without any help..and I don’t want the guilt that would come from making someone else miserable..as much as I fear being alone that’s exactly what I am..alone..forgotten..miserable..what is it that holds me here? In my life? Sometimes I really don’t know..sometimes I really have to sit and think to come up with a reason to keep living..to keep going forward when I see nothing promising in my future…my goal is still not to kill myself I guess..but the thoughts can become so overwhelming..when I am feeling so sad…and so alone..and I want to push everyone away from me..i want to be mean and tell everyone to go away and leave me alone…I remember the list of stuff I made with linda and I want to ignore it..pretend that im stupid and not do a single thing..i was going to ignore it…I was going to buy razors and just quiet my head..calm myself down so that I could fall asleep..i wanted the pain..i wanted to hurt..i do want to hurt..but they didn’t have the razors I wanted at the store..and that made me mad..how can I be mad that Im not able to hurt myself? But I am..i wanted it..i had it all planned out and worked out in my head..and it got messed up..my plan ruined..i couldn’t focus..i couldn’t remember what I was even in the store for..my head hurt..and I just felt lost..and upset..and had the huge need to just go home because it was an environment I knew...i hate when im like that..because I feel so aimless..and so lost..so out of sorts with everything going on around me..and its not good..because if it spikes into something really bad then I am stuck and overwhelmed and afraid..and last time I couldn’t even drive myself home I freaked out so badly..couldnt calm down enough to feel comfortable driving and it took like 2 hours to get home..which was normally like a 20 min drive..given I spent most of that time just sitting in the parking lot and not doing anything..but I guess you get the picture..im a depressing mess..and I feel like everything a bout me..everything I am.everything I try to be is a lie…one big empty lie..there is nothing to me..and sometimes I do think that everyone would be better off without me…I really do..and I cant be fixed..im to broken for that…I cant be anything..
My thoughts are still going a mile a minute..and I guess if I write down all the craziness then maybe I will feel better..or at least take off some of the pressure…
Sometimes I think that I just want to much from other people.that I need to much..and that I am overwhelming to everyone that gets to know me…I need people to constantly tell me that I am okay..that im needed..that im safe..and I don’t have anyone to tell me that..and so it does always seem like I am unsure of myself..that I cant judge my own self worth without someone else telling me…I cant settle or believe my own thoughts because they could be lies…and I guess I realize that I am a lot to deal with..but maybe im the only one that realizes that because I keep so much of what I am feeling to myself…well hell right now im ready to tell the world that I am freaking losing my mind..and that someone needs to fix me right this minute before I go insane…I know im not going to act on my thoughts..but I wish I would..just so that the thoughts would stop..just so that the thoughts would slow down..or quiet down..or something…anything..i want someone to just see and understand how so very not okay I am..but that would of course mean giving up all self control that I have..and im not ok with that at all…the closet I get is with linda.and even that is a very controlled chaos..and I don’t know what it is that I want or what it is that will help me right now…im afraid to actually text or talk to anyone because im feeling very mean..and I want someone else to hurt as much as I am right now..i want to say mean things..i want to hurt someone else on purpose..so that I wont be alone in my sad and upsetting thoughts…because then ill ha ve a reason to be angry..then ill have someone to be angry at ..when right now I don’t know what im angry at..or who im angry at..or why im even angry…is it anger or sadness that im feeling? I feel so stuck ..wanting things that I cant have..wanting the happiness that other people have and I don’t …im afraid of wanting so much and not being able to get it..i want comfort so very much..i want to feel safe and protected..and not lost and adrift in the sea of my dark thoughts..because they are just getting darker..the more I sit here and think and try to distract and end up just thinking and the thoughts are going back and forth..and im more than willing right now to go to stupid rbha and tell them im losing my mind and I need my medicine changed or something…right cas if I go and mention im suicidal..im pretty sure ill be approved for services..and I hate that…I hate knowing that I am so unstable at times.but that at the same time I can pass for quite stable…I can pass for anything that I need to pass for…I have to work..and would most likely lose my job if I mentioned how not ok I was most of the time..if I mentioned that im liable to not be able to function without my medication..or that im so depressed and suicidal I don’t know what to do with myself..and then they are going to send me out to work with clients who are mentally unstable at times??? Who is helping who exactly?? How can I help anyone else when I cant even help myself? How can I not even want to help myself? I should want to be alive and I don’t..i should want help and I just want to be left alone..
And I am back for the 3rd time tonight..to write..to think..to try to make sense of the disorder in my head…I am calmer…im not about to fly apart..im not thinking about dying anymore….i ha ve a major headache..and im wishing for the 50th time that I had my night meds..and im cursing myself for not getting the script filled today..im tired and im fighting sleep..and I guess I knew that would happen..so when im done writing this since its after midnight now..ill just take some of the over the counter stuff..just so that ill go to sleep..im tired..really tired..and im just sitting awake..watched a movie.a funny one..and had some ice cream and just laid down for a while..but now the movie is over and I guess I should put in another one..so that maybe soon ill fall asleep…im not comfortable in my skin tonight..and tossing and turning and everything…but yeah..gotta go take something..cas if I just sit up all night then tomorrow may turn into a repeat of tonight and I would rather that did not happen…I know I got really tired after writing the second part of what I wrote earlier…and I am still a bit sick and coughing..and haven’t really had a good nights sleep in a while cas of being out of meds..ugh…gotta get them filled tomorrow…that’s my plan…and that will get me out of the house..
Im just lying to myself..telling myself that Im ok when im not..making myself believe that I am in control of myself and my thoughts and feelings..and all of it..i thought I was suicidal but I am..and I also know that with complete certainty that I will not make it through the weekend with out cutting..crap im not even sure ill make it through the night without cutting…I keep trying to do other stuff..and the thoughts go away and then come right now..and they are getting stronger..harder to ignore..and I am disappointed in myself already..for wanting to give in..but im afraid of where my thoughts are going and I just want a little bit of calmness..i want a little bit of a release..and I just want my head to stop…for the first time in a very very long time I have just been sitting here and wondering about what it would mean to be in the hospital..to be able to be away from everything and get a handle of my head..and all of my issues..but I cant..i cant do that..i cant allow that to happen..and I need to get control of myself again..i need to stay in control of myself..and right now im walking that really fine line again…its either I suffer completely … or I can cut and bring my thoughts back down to a manageable level..ive tried the distractions..all except for calling anyone..ive texted a bit but not called..because as much as I want to talk to someone..i cant find the courage or the drive to find the words to express the hopelessness that is taking over me… I cant find a way out right now..and I don’t know what else to do to calm down…I need to hurt..i want to hurt..i want to be able to say that I am still alive and breathing and that im not dead..i don’t know..maybe death would be taking the easy way out..but I don’t really care..i want to go away..im tired of being me..and I just want to be someone else..someone better…someone able to manage..someone who wants to be alive..instead of me..instead of constantly having to convince myself to stay alive..no I am not happy tonight..and I don’t feel like I will ever be happy again..and im supposed to wait out the feelings..cas they will stop…but when will they stop? All evening..since before I left my office..the thoughts just get worse..and I wait..and distract and stay busy..and all of it..and nothing helps..my thoughts still win…my head is still fighting with itself..and im just stuck somewhere in the middle..waiting for the decision to be made..even though I already know what it is…but I cant cut anymore..because if I did ..then it would be a mess and it would most likely involve my wrists..not to die..but just to see..i have to see my pain..the overwhelming pain that hides away inside of me..and I need to let it out..i want to just get rid of it..no nothing is helping lately..nothing at all..and im still struggling and im still stuck somewhere..and im still just waiting to die..and no my meds are not right. That I do know I guess..but I don’t know what to do with that information because Im not sure anymore what I need the meds to help with…I want to be numbed out but the meds wont do that…well they will do that but my pdoc refuses to give me anything strong enough to numb myself..but then I guess that leaves me up to my own devices..and ill do stupid things with my meds..and again death will not be the outcome..and I guess it wouldn’t be for lack of trying..no im to stupid to die..and im to much of a coward to actually kill myself..cas what would mommy say to me..what would people think..and ill be damned if ill be the one to tell mommy that im in the hospital because I tried to kill myself..thats a one way ticket back home..and that I cant let happen either..so it just leaves me here..to suck it up and deal with it..and to hope that ill fall asleep before I manage to cut…because I don’t have anything that is easily accessible..and that means going out of my way to break apart a razor…again..and that’s of course after trying other methods that didn’t work..and I guess ill just have to be ashamed of myself tomorrow…cas I cant seem to summon up anything but tiredness tonight..and well I guess im done trying for the night..im tired and to keyed up to sleep..to much anxiety and worry and thinking..i just want to calm down and sleep..thats all..thats my break..
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