mental illness?

What is it about Sundays that send me into a tail spin?  Im sad..very very sad..dangerously sad and wanting an escape..im trying to remember what I talked to linda about and so I am writing…I haven’t yet created my list for times of crisis..and im reminded now that I really truly need to work on that..because I have a feeling that things are going to get a lot worse before they get better..and that is not a comforting thought at all..and so tonight though..again..the sad feelings were triggered from a tv show..and it made me anxious and then just depressed….im left wondering how much families have to give up and sacrifice when a family member has a mental illness..and im talking immediate family..mother, father, son daughter,sibling…how much is every one expected to sacrifice to keep the one with the mental illness sane.and stable? And what happens when the person is not stable at all?  And what happens when no one knows ? how would my family react if they knew that I was crazy..that I had a mental illness?  Would they still talk to me..or would I be treated differently..would I be pushed aside or treated like I am something that will break at the slightest sign of discomfort?  What are the guidelines..how are you supposed to act? What are you supposed to give?  And how has it been decided that I have a mental illness?  What criteria do I fit into that makes it so?  When did it become official?  When did it become set in stone that I am the different one?  Im the unstable one? Im the crazy one?  Is it because I take meds to keep me in check?  Is it because im in therapy? And have a psychiatrist?  But I still work? I live alone..i take care of myself and of bounce..how am I mentally ill?  Why have I been labeled as such? I don’t understand..i hate that I have to be so different..so easily messed up and broken and unable to get the pieces of myself to fit together correctly..its not fair at all that I am having to struggle so much just to get through the day with out hurting myself or worse…I hate that I have to decide if I like myself each day..or if I am not liking myself and how that plays out..i hate that I have to piece together my empty past..just to survive with myself in the present..i don’t want to be mentally ill..i don’t want to be different..i don’t want special treatment just to keep it together..and be in control..i just want to be me..whoever that may be..

Obsessive thoughts…worrying constantly..dreams…suicidal…bad bad bad depression…its like before L