well...

its monday..the start of a new week and i feel ill prepared for some reason...ive actually already emailed my notes in! and i did it before 12...it was right before 12 but darnit they are in and on time...i realize that if i want to get a raise then im going to have to put forth the effort and get my stuff in...so im working on it...slowly but surely i am getting better about my notes..they have been in on monday for a month now..maybe a little more than that..but yeah ill say a month...and i keep being told my notes are good you know..so im hoping im doing a good job ...a little bit nervous about seeing my supervisor today..but i am going to have to really get a grip on that..beacuse she is not going to hurt me in some way..maybe that is what im afraid of ..that she will use what she knows against me..and so i just need to chill out with that..and stop jumping the gun about it because i know and well i believe that she is not going to hurt me...so really gotta work on calming down..about all of that...

i still cant seem to get my mood to stay leveled out...anything causes a drop or a raise and it is still pretty extreme..the mood swings...urges to cut this weekend and had to work hard to get through them...did the diary card thing a little bit..and that is like this form pretty much and i fill in how bad the urges are..how bad the feelings are..what the urges are..and what coping skill i used ..i should have used it more than i did last week..but well at least ive started it now..and so working on that..did some collages..and that helped..did some reading and watching movies too...watched ice age 3 last night as a pick me up and it worked..it had me laughing so i guess that is a good thing.. and this morning i was focused on work stuff and getting all of that in..so yeah...today and tomorrow i think ill need to focus on the apartment and get it cleaned up...yeah ive slacked off this past week in my uh craziness and major mood swings and everything..and so things are just kinda all over the place...blah...

but i lost .7 pounds last week..and the week before that i lost like 7 or so..but i think that may have just been water weight or something...im trying hard to be careful and not let things get out of hand..but some of the old old ed thoughts are creeping back in...thoughts about control and not eating and chewing gum all day long so i wont eat..and just all sorts of thoughts and things..and my goal is pretty much to lose like 30 pds in a month..which realistically is prolly over kill and may or may not happen..but right now..any weight loss would be good you know.. and i have been losing weight..its been slow and small amounts but it is happening..and i know that i have to stay with it if i want it to keep happening..but yeah...i trying to keep in all under control and not going overboard...im about to go home so i can fix something to eat before my meeting this evening..and well i need to keep all the money i have which isnt all that much..ugh...

i see linda tomorrow..and that is causing a bit of anxiety..i of course will have to call and ask about what time my appointment is because i dont remember...but yeah with what we talked about last week and what i left with her..hmm im sure we will have tons to talk about this week...but i am calmer this week..i am..still struggling some with urges but a repeat of last week will not be happening...i cant let it happen again..im freaked a bit about the scars that are now on my arm..and realizing ill be home in a few weeks and yeah..not a recipe for calm thoughts at all!..so just taking it a day at a time i guess..and a bit worried about seeing dr mead this month too..cas well ill have to tell her whats been going on ..and that may lead to looking at my medicine again..and ugh..yeah but guess ill have to wait and see what happens with that...fun stuff..

alright so home and lunch and then to my office...maybe ill lay down for a little while..hmm but cant take a nap cas then ill be late!