Im about to go insane…im feeling very confused about what I want right this minute..and im confused about how to even put what I want into words..i want to talk to someone how I got confort from but im afraid to message her..well actually I did message her and mostly just said hi..and I feel like I want the floor to just open up and swallow me for being so stupid and even messaging her…but I want to talk to her..i would give anything to talk to her and for her not to be mad at me..but I don’t know…I messed up and well I cant do anything but wait for her response and go from there…gosh I so very much just want to be comforted right now…and I am feeling very scared and so disoriented and out of sorts..my head is full of things that I want to say and cant..or what I need to get out and I cant…the past few days ive been trying to sort stuff out to work on a collage..but cant seem to get it together to even do that..and so everything is a mess..i feel like things are just a mess right now..and I don’t know why..today was an okay day..yesterday was ok..and Friday I was almost happy..and now its like all gone and my anxiety is up..my confusion is up..and im just at a loss right now…I really may need to ban myself from watching any thing every again..because I was watching a movie today..well this evening..and the need to be loved..wanted..something became so strong…and after those feelings..the immense loneliness came..in all of its overwhelmingness..and im lonely..im sad..im alone..and there is of course no one to hear my frustration..and there is no way for me to scream in anger or lonliness or anything..and im just stuck..with nothing to do…how do I fix this? How can I get myself to focus and back on track? My mind is whirling away from me and I cant stop it..crap crap crap..trying to remember what I talked about with linda..and the whole abc thing ..the triangle but I cant remember..and its all mixed up..and I swear ive had the abc method conversation a million times with her..and when I need it I cant remember it ..and I most certainly don’t know where the paper has gone that she gave me..crap..
Thought..belief..feeling.. uh darnit I don’t remember which is first..somehow they are connected..and I don’t remember..and I can feel panic setting in ..and im stupid because I forget again..and ugh I really do want to scream..
Umm no that’s wrong..ok im going to skip the wrongness of it and just go with what I have..
Currently my thought is that im all alone…im feeling disconnected ..panicked..and my belief is that im not wanted at all.. and I really don’t know the point of this..i don’t know what its supposed to change or make better or fix..i just want to go and sit in a corner somewhere and just cry…this is stupid
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