I really am very near sighted about some things..and I am learning that I just cant make good decisions when I am feeling pressured or I am over reacting about something…earlier today my doc called me and mentioned you know my massive bill ..and how im not paying on it..again..ugh..and I got the message and immediately freaked out..immediately my thoughts got away from me and I was thinking I would have to cancel my appointments..and like not see them cas I don’t have the money..and just you know overboard…way way overboard with my reaction..and I handled the first part of the reaction..i had to because I was at work..and all I wanted to do was scream..and I got a major headache..and I just couldn’t see past the immediate problem..i couldn’t understand a way to fix it or work on it..or anything you know..i just kinda crashed..and just couldn’t deal with it…that was the first part…the second part involved me calming down enough to start to see how it could be worked out..understanding that I needed to do some things to show that I am trying to pay you know..and I guess I just am not doing that..and so I was able to start thinking more clearly..but still I was being ruled by how I was feeling..i was basing my decision on my reaction to the situation..and my reaction was to feel completely hopeless and give up..and if I had acted on that then I would have made some major mistakes..and now I have the last part..that I am currently dealing with..which is that I am finally calm..and I am finally able to make sense of the situation and am able to plan a bit more wisely about what to do…and im able to come up with some more complete steps about what to do about the bill..and its just simply that I have to start paying and that for now my extra money will need to go towards my bill…and I have to budget that into my plan..and well I have to be responsible..and adult..and make a choice…I want to see linda..and well the service is not free..and I need to pay what I owe..thats how it works in the real world..and with all of my freaking out about stuff..and having to deal with so many freaking changes and everything and feeling that I was so alone..i forgot that linda is a constant for me..whether I am paying her or not..she is constant..and there..and listens to whatever it is that I am dealing with..or if I am having a crisis she is there..if its good or bad she is there..more than anyone else..and I guess I forget sometimes that therapy requires money..and that I have to pay if I want to keep seeing her..its as simple as that…and so I have been planning a course of action I guess..and just knowing that I don’t want to cancel my appointments for tomorrow ..but if I keep them..then on Friday when I get paid I will have to come in and make a payment..and then go from there..making payments weekly you know..and when I get extra money it will have to go for therapy and such..until I can get that bill under control..i realize a bit late how lenient that have been with me..and yeah my t is super expensive..and it bites big time having to pay out of pocket..but I will have to figure out how to manage .. some how..and I just need to crack down on my budget..and I need a plan you know..a real honest to goodness plan..for how to stay on top of all of my bills and sticking to things..and right now this week..i am freaking a bit because of needing refills on my meds..and not knowing how I am going to get them just yet…and well that is a real big concern for me..the meds..and im like you know I may be looking at choosing the ones I can afford..if it comes to that..but im hoping the clinic will be able to help me..or point me in the right direction to be helped..and if not..then I will have to come off of the meds again..and just manage without them..until I have the money or the means to stay on them..and get them each month…because I just don’t have an extra 400 each month to go soley to medication..and its over 400 if I add in my birth control for the month..heck the only one I can afford is the trazodone because its 4 bucks at walmart! So if I can just figure out the med thing then that would be a huge amount of stress off of me right now…and I am trying to work out the rest of my bills..for the month in my head and it is truly tiring and confusing and I just don’t know how to decide what can and cant be paid..you know..i wish I could just be able to pay everything and still have money left over and everything..and so yeah…the stress right now is pretty bad..and im trying to stay in control and everything and its just hard some days..and I just think that with all that is going on..i am wanting back my old coping skills..i want to hurt..i want to be able to take my mind off of this mess that I am in with money and bills and everything..i want to just stop worrying and dreaming crazy dreams and all of it..and so yes I want to cut..i want to purge..i want to run away and pretend that nothing can touch me..nothing can get me..and I want to just ignore the rest of the world and live in my own pretend world where everything is ok..and safe and just..not bothering me..thats all I want..just peace and silence in my head..and the ability to think without freaking out..i want to be back to feeling stable and right now I am not feeling stable or in control..the worrying and constantly trying to plan things are taking over my head..and I stay stuck and confused and unable to get anything done..i spend my mornings forcing myself out of the house…I spend hours preparing myself to just get up and get dressed..i mean I can wake up at 5 am..and not have to be at work until almost 10..and still cant seem to leave the house on time..im late all the time..im never prepared for work anymore..and sometimes its all I can do to just show up..because my head just isn’t in it..and im a million miles away and unsure of how to bring myself back..and then I am stuck..and maybe that is why my current preoccupation with mental illness and what it means is bothering me so much..i mean I am on the very edge of just stability and being unstable..and its like anything can send me reeling either way..im not far enough into stable zone to feel safe with myself ..and right now the urges are massive and overwhelming..and I am just wanting the old stuff back because I know it worked..because I know that it made me calm down…and im fighting wanting it..im fighting wanting the release..the calmness..the nothingness..and sometimes I don’t even understand why I have to fight it..and why its not good to just give in and accept that I am cutting and that I will just keep cutting..im ashamed that I want to cut..that I am willing to keep destroying myself..and that I don’t care enough about myself to even convince myself not to do it..i don’t know anymore why I don’t cut..ive forgotten what the point of not cutting is..linda says that she worries for me..and that she doesn’t want me to hurt myself..and I wonder why…why she cares so much..why she hurts for me when I cant even hurt for myself..i cant connect the feelings..i want to hurt..but I want a physical hurt..i want a pain that I can see and feel and touch..i can touch my scars..i can feel them..i know they hurt..i can make myself feel the hurt..and then I know that I am hurting..and it gives me something to work with..the emotional hurt..and the remembering and all of that causes a different hurt..that I cant put into words..and that makes me feel so sad and afraid and hopeless and I don’t know what to do with that type of hurt..i don’t like that type of hurt…is it really so bad to want an escape..to want to just go somewhere and hide out or to just cause myself to hurt on purpose..when nothing else works..whats so bad about it? And writing that makes me feel so disconnected and different and just bad..why would I want to hurt myself on purpose..why do I want it so very much..when I know that the guilt and shame will just become overwhelming again..and tonight writing just isn’t working..its just calling all of this into the present where I cant hide from it..and I don’t know what to do with myself..
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