trust the process

that is what linda has been telling me lately..that i need to trust the process..that i have to accept where i am and be ok with that...im afraid to trust the process though..im just afraid..*deep breath* im currently trying hard to get myself to relax and to think and process from therapy today..im not freaking out or anything but a lot was talked about and i am just still kinda reeling from it all...

overall i am better...i am not suicidal..which linda said was a really good thing...im managing a bit better this week..and well i am feeling a bit better..calmer..more together...and we did talk about that a little bit..and then she told me that she had read everything i had given her..all of it..and that it had been hard..and that she had felt sad for me..and she told me that she was glad i gave it to her because it helped her understand me better...which was embarrassing for me you know..it was a huge thing to give her things i had written..my honest to goodness thoughts and feelings that crowded my head and kept me overwhelmed and in a horrible space..and she read it all...and we talked about my mood swings and that i needed to bring with them up with my dr who i have to see next week..and i know she has a point and i know that i need to bring it up and talk to her about it..but still im afraid..because of it possibly causing another med change..and all of that..im not on any mood stablizers..and well one may help but who knows...i guess i need to wait and see what happens next week...but the bulk of the session today was about fears..and reassuring me that she was with me in this and that i didnt have to do it alone..and that alone made me stop and think..you know..so often i feel so alone in all of this..and she told me that pretty point blank that im not  and that she was going to be there to help me...i gave her the okay to start pushing me to talk about stuff..and that is very scary...im scared to talk..scared to know...but well ive been in and out of therapy for along time ..and i think it would be nice oyu know to be able to stop wanting to kill myself or hurt myself or any of those things...i have to start talking to her..and dealing with all this old stuff that keeps me so very stuck..and i told her to push and i know that im going to push right back and try my hardest to get her to change her mind and all of that...but for now..that is where we are going to be at..where we are moving from...i told her that i didnt want to be in therapy for the rest of my life..and i do understand that if i dont talk about it..dont work on it...that i will be in and out of therapy for a long long time..and yes i can function and get through my life you know ..without talking about it..but like she said..there will always be this shadow over certains parts of my life...there will always be triggers and overwhelming feelings that i am not prepared to deal with..and that scares me more...to wonder and think if i will ever be a capable memeber of society..to wonder what in the hell im doing..and to spend so much energy and time just trying to keep myself alive...i dont want that..i really truly dont..she asked again what would make me feel safe...what would help me talk and i was tempted to ask her if her door locked..and if it does can she lock it..i need to think about what feels safe..because i dont know..i dont have anything to base this one...and she is right..the door to all of this is firmly locked and protected..and now im being asked to open it..to let things out..and im afraid of what i will learn..of what i will remember...im afraid of the feelings..the sadness..the guilt..the hate..the hopelessness..im afraid to know the truth..im afraid to trust that i know the truth inside and that it just has gotten hidden underneath so much other stuff..and that beginning to dig for it..beginning to look at it..will cause a lot of harm...but i am trying hard to remember what we talked about..that i am not going to be doing it alone..and that i can leave what we tlak about with her in her office when i leave...i am trying to remember that she is on my side and that she told me that she wont be mad at me for what i tell her..or what i do...and that she wont tell on me..or get me in trouble..and i feel like such a child...writing this..and knowing that i believe it completely..that i am afraid of being in trouble still..that i am 27 years old and that the fear of being in trouble.and getting in trouble..can still stop me cold..that i still rationalize all of this in my head..and believe it...-sigh- therapy today tired me out big time...and i was tearful a bit when i left her..but now i am just thinking...wondering what is going to happen on this path that i am suddenly on...wondering how things are going to play out...and wondering if at the end of it i will be able to find peace...