have you ever just written something that was so heartful and so exposing and vulnerable in all its openness and realness..and put it on a message board..and waited and waited for a response and nothing happens ... or someone just makes a response that leaves you feeling even more empty and dissatisfied in some way?
the post i wrote earlier today...i dont know what i wanted from it..i dont know what i wanted to gain from it..but i wanted something..and i juts havent gotten it..ive been so obsessed today with like checking on them a million times and nothing..i keep waiting for words of wisdom..or comfort..support..something..anything..i want to be acknowledged or something and its not happening and i feel so stupid and upset for writing so much and for sharing..and for feeling so inadequate compared to other people and there needs..and i know i shouldnt compare becuase everyone is different..but i am..and i juts feel sad that i cant ge tthe level of support that other people can get and i dont know whats wrong with me..and why i cant have support and understanding too..why cant i have people that want to talk to me and want to know whats going on with me.. :( im feeling really unsettled...and sad..and i dont know..juts out of sorts tonight...my needs arent being met and it makes me feel anxious in the worst way..i start looking outside of myself again for some sign that i am ok..that i am not stupid or dumb or any of those things...when i feel them so strongly..and then i cant trust my judgement. ... i cant make myself feel better..and i just sink into despair and depression..and all day ive been trying so hard to not sink into the depression that i know is so close right now..and im just tired of fighting it tonight..im tired of trying and hoping for something that i cant get ...and im nervous...about going to work tomorrow and having to be happy and engaged and all of that..when all i feel like doing is crying or laying down and giving up..do i want to give up? im suddenly juts so tired of all of this..i am ...and i realize that i am contradicting myself heavily today..but i cant help it..every time i write it is about the same thing but from a different angle..everything feels true..but its all different..its all the same..i cant figure out what parts of it is true and what parts i need to get rid of...
ive been obssessing today about jobs and apartments..and finding someplace to live..i searched other states..other areas because i suddenly wanted to move ...i wanted a fresh start..i wanted to just leave..and im back to the mind numbing depression..i should know how to fight it by now..i should know how to fix it..i should know something by now..and instead its just the same freaking cycle again..the same thoughts..the same wants..the same everything...its always the same..and i am still stuck and unsure of myself..unsure of who i am right now...i become afraid of myself..for myself. i cant manage..i cant live..i want to just go away..i want to die..and i realize now that i havent taken my meds tonight...but im afraid to sleep cas i need to stay awake right now..that whole no staying up all night is in the past..i have to stay up inorder to finish..if i could just focus then ill be able to get it done..but still i struggle with the purpose of writing them...i struggle with wanting to even write them...i hate them..i hate writing them...i hate this part of my job..i really do...which lets me know that im not maybe doing the right job yet...but somehow between now and my staff meeting tomorrow morning..ive got to pull it together..ive got to get myself under control..but i see no point in hiding it either..yes im depressed..yes im on medication and in therapy..all i need is a flashing sign that lets every one know that im liable to lose my mind at any momemnt :( and im trusted to work with families with issues...wtf...
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