ugh..i just want to lay down and sleep..and im not even sleepy..i just want to lay down then...lots of back and forth head wise..yesterday and today..focus is down the drain big time...im not sure what to do about next week at all...cas i get paid next week and just thinking about all i have to get down is killing me..well not killing me but just overwhelming me some..i have work..and well paperwork..staff meetings and supervision...hpi classes..and clients...t and pdoc..i get paid this week and for the love of all things good i hope it is on time..i have bills and tickets and i need tires and i just need right now...christmas and gifts and all that aside..i have things to pay..and it frustrates me worrying so much about my paycheck..but also means i need to get things in on time this week and not mess around..so that i can be paid and nothing is held ... im disappointed in myself big time right now..i really am..and instead of making it better..im just making it worse..
(yep very deep in my pity party right now) i got an email back from my coworker about the other job..and it would be a m-f 3 to 11 type deal...and i really am considering it..i want to email her and ask a few more questions before deciding if i want to do the interview...cas if it is a steady 40 hours..then i would rather do that..and just have one job..but also that would be a pay cut..like hour wise..but less paperwork in the end..and i could possibly keep my preschoolers...but i have to figure out what questions i need to ask before emailing her back...
there are also 2 christmas parties next week...one friday afternoon..and one saturday evening... nervous about those big time..but its more just the crowds and being so many people..and ill just be staying long enough to make an appearance i guess..cas i get so nervous and wont know a lot of the people there...the friday one is a lunch thing and we are doing secret santa and all that..and ill have to buy a gift..and all of that..and i have to bring a small food thing..which ive already picked and all of that..so i think that will be ok...the saturday one is more of a worry cas it is like a bigger deal..its like at a hotel and will be like a meal and awards and all of that type stuff..and that just makes me more nervous cas i dont know what to expect...but thats that..
and then this week coming up is the last week kids are in school..and so ill be able to see clients earlier in the day and maybe not being out so late at night will be a good thing..well i know it will be a good thing..coming in a 9 at night is tiresome..big time..so im looking forward to the time inbetween christmas and new years..but the downside is less hours of course..but right now i just want the break...i need the break...
im freaking out about one of my clients..and the anxiety about him is getting more and more upsetting...he is a foster kid and the family he is with is unable to keep him...i keep wanting to say that they dont want him..and i keep having a hard time looking at the big picture and realizing that there is a lot more to it than just wanting him...but its bothering me a lot..and i feel so sad because its the holidays and he is possibly going to be moved to a new family any day now..and i may or may not be able to keep seeing him if he is moved to far away..:( he doesnt know its even coming..and his family has not told him..but i think he knows something is up...its christmas and he hasnt asked for a single gift...he has to be so anxious and scared right now...and i dont know how to ease his fears at all...i wish his family would just tell him so that it would be out in the open and i could work with him and help him deal with it..but im not the one to tell him and so i have to keep avoiding the issue but still imply and ask him questions about what if this placement doesnt work out...its heart breaking and makes me feel so awful and upset..cas i guess in some ways i was lucky..i just had one family that i was adopted into and i wasnt moved in the system a million times...no not the greatest of childhoods but i was in one place..i had stuff..i had a family..well i have a family..good or bad..they are fairly consistent you know...and this kid has been in 6 houses..and none worked..he has been abused majorly..and he still isnt in a stable and safe place ..and i dont know how to make it better for him at all..i look at him and see how things could have been for me if i had been moved over and over again in the foster care system..some of the girls i was with in the residential setting had been moved around a lot to..and its hard working with them and knowing that there is a chance that they will be in the system and not be adopted and turn 18 and be left on there own..it is hard..and makes me feel very very sad....maybe that is part of what is driving some of my depression lately...i mean besides my own holiday crap..and stress with work and all that other stuff..i think its just that my clients situations are getting to me..and its hard to add on to my own stuff...and i keep thinking i need to fix things for them..i need to make things better...and i cant..i dont know how..my job has limits..and im learning them now it seems
major issues with the holidays and expectations and my sister..its always worse with the holidays and birthdays..cas she is not here and no one even talks about her..and its like shes been forgotten..and we forget sometimes too
and try not to..really do..and its hard..and i feel so guilty and upset for forgetting her..but i dont remember her..if there wasnt this huge empty feeling..im not sure i would even know she had been there in the first place...shes the part of the past that will never be laid to rest i guess...im sad..about everything..about nothing..i always hope that this year will be the year that i can be happy for the christmas..that i wont be walking around with a rain cloud over my head just drowning everything out..but it doesnt change...there is no joy in seeing the christmas lights or giving presents...im to selfish and greedy when it comes to presents..and i want and want and want..i give to..and i like giving presents..i like doing nice things for people..i like making other people happy..but underneath it all..i want everything..i want to be the center of attention..i want everyone to notice me and love me..and want to make me happy ... the outer quiet content girl is the biggest mask ever.. i do things and ask for nothing in return..i can accept the worst situation and be as supportive as i can .. i can do anything that is asked of me and then some...and still at the drop of a hat i can turn something so small into jealously or guilt ..or something that is mean and unfair and rude..i know i have learned from growing up that i should want more..that more is better...that there is always a way to get something else ..something better..ive been told lately that i live above my means..and i do..i cant deny it..cas i do..and i know my impulses when it comes to buying and money and gifts and stuff ..is way into like danger zone almost all the time...but i dont know how to change it..telling myself no doesnt do anything...and i feel bad for wanting all the time..for needing all the time...although this year i think the wanting and needing is coming out in that i need comfort from other people..i want safety and love from other people..and those needs are being filled either..and it just keeps me sad and frustrated...im not over the supervisor/mommy issue..not at all..and her not being in the office is hard to deal with..and when she is in the office once a week...you know the need to see her and be around her is so strong and overwhelming..and i think she understands a small part of it..but not all of it..and the urge to be with her is overwhelming some days...just needing to see her and talk to her..and let her be a comfort is overwhelming..i saw her last week for a little bit..but didnt get the chance to sit down and talk to her or anything..she did rub my back in passing..but even that isnt enough...is my emotional development that low? its like i need to start way at the beginning with just the basic comforts and needs and having them filled..i wonder how i was comforted as a baby..as a toddler..all those years when touch was so so very important..and i wonder if i had any of it...and realistically i have to wonder if my needs were put on the back burner because my sisters needs were greater..she was the one in and out of hospitals..and i wasnt..i was healthy and so i was left to others to take care of me..and maybe i wasnt given the attention i needed...i wasnt given enough love and touch and comfort..and i manged with out it..i grew up hating being touched for lots of reasons..but now its that i want it and cant have it..and i dont know how to give it to myself..not at the level i need...i cant do it..i dont know how..and i dont want it from me anyway..i want it from someone else.i want it from a mommy..but not my mommy..cas she isnt a comforting person..there is to much fear to get any comfort from her..and i feel so stupid for needing it so much...for wanting it and not being able to have it...and i have to be so strong and so adult all the time..i can comfort kids..i can comfort my clients..i can be supportive and listen and care to anyone else..but i cant seem to do it with myself..i cant reach that level of caring or concern with myself..and i stay stuck...i stay in this middle ground where im not sure where to go or what to do..and its causing my feelings to become very displaced and unstable..ive attaching to adults around me in the ..umm..well in unhealthy ways... and then when the feelings are given back to me ..i feel broken and unneeded..unloved..like there is something so very wrong with me..and that i cant be loved because i am just so screwed up...and then silence takes over..and i dont want to be noticed..i get so stuck inside of myself..and i just watch..and want and dont say anything at all..i dont want to be acknowledged for anything..i just want to slip through the cracks..i just want to get by..and exist ..and in a way just go back to disappearing..because being noticed is more painful now..i cant find the middle ground..and i want all of it or nothing..i cant see shades of gray as linda tells me...and i end up just messing things up and hiding away from what i have caused to happen...i have to restrain myself even now from calling my supervisor because i dont know what to tell her or what to say to her..or even explain any of my feelings right now..there is to much that i am feeling right now...and i dont know what to do with the feelings..and so im just writing and writing and hoping that some of the sadness will go away..but i dont know if it will go away now..its like wake up the old stuff and its just wont go away any more..there is to much to get through and figure out..to many feelings that have been ignored and boxed away..and now they are getting out and i cant push them away as well as i could before..i cant ignore all of them and shut down like before..and i wish i could..i wish i hadnt started in therapy or with the meds..i was upset yesterday that i couldnt feel suicidal anymore ..well currently cas the meds stop me from getting to that point..im not walking that fine line between life and death anymore and that upsets me..why would it upset me? i should be happy about that..and im not..i should accept that i am not suicidal and i cant..i should accept that maybe the meds and the therapy is helping and i dont want to..i want to find something wrong with all of it..i want to have a reason to stop..to call it quits ..to keep myself stuck in this messed up cycle of my life that i havent managed to get out of yet..linda says ive made process..my supervisors tell me that i am right where i need to be right now..wcen without knowing all that has gone on...and im the one that like no..nothing is better..nothing is changed..i dont know who you are talking about because it is not me..ive done nothing good..nothing worth praising.. all i have done is mess up..over and over..i destroyed everything..and now i cant even manage to get myself out of this hole that im stuck in..i keep pushing myself backwards..cas im afraid to come out..im afraid to face anything these days..and i start to try and just get scared and refuse ..or pretend..or ignore..what am i supposed to do? how am i supposed to fix myself when some days im not even sure i want to be fixed..im not sure i can be fixed..or if linda and everyone is just wasting there time and energy on me and im not getting better.. im just drifting along..struggling..always struggling..and smiling..and i hate anyone who tells me to just cheer up...its christmas your supposed to be happy and giving and selfless and oh so cheerful...and it bothers me..it upsets me that the expectation is to be constantly happy..and to constantly give ... i already give..every single day that i have to go to work i g ive of myself..i dont have anything left to give anymore..im empty and just broken these days..thats what it feels like..im to embarrassed to accept anything ..to accept any compliment..i dont want thanks or praise..or anything..and i really have the be the most major hypocrite that i know...i say i want it..i say i dont want it..i say i need it..but i wont accept it..i just confuse myself..i dont know what i want..christmas is less than two weeks away now i think..and i feel nothing except nervousness about it..i just want the holidays to be over with...i really do..
i want to be happier..i do..i want to go home and not have mommy tell me what is wrong with me..or what i need to change about myself...last time it was oh you look like you have lost a little weight...it would be better if you stopped eating this this and this...or well now that you are losing weight you need to work on your skin and clearing it up so i want you to use this product now..and ive spent this amount of money on it so you better use it..ill go home at christmas and hear the same stuff...see the same look of disapproval and disgust that she has for me..and then smile and thank her for the gifts that she gives me..or how much she has done for me...while being lectured on what i need to be doing..when am i going back to grad school..have i found another job..what you only have two? i think you can handle another job..dont forget about all that i loaned you..i was excepting to have been paid back now..:( in other words..yes i suck yes im stupid and worthless and im sorry for needing so much from you and not being able to pay it back..yes ill stop eating and do whatever it is that you want me to do because i dont do enough...yes ill drop everything that im doing inorder to get you what you want from me..yes ..yes ..yes..that all she hears...yes..and thats all i say...i try no and it doesnt work..i would have a better chance of like getting a wall to move before mommy accepts a no from me...i try to hide the sadness but it still comes out...its sstill noticeable..at work..in therapy..everywhere..i just dont really know what to do with myself..at home when my brothers and sister aare there..like around the holidays..and we talk about stuff that happened before..little things you know..that we did as kids..and i dont remember...i cant join in because most of the time i have no idea what they are talking about..they can tell all the silly stories..all the funny stuff we did as kids..and i dont remember them...i mean sometimes something they say will cas a little spark of something ..like what i think i did do that..or i was there when we did that...but i cant tell any stories like they can..i dont know any..i just sit and listen and laugh..cas im supposed to..not cas i have any idea of what they are saying..
i am on this message board that is really messing with my head..and i realize that the logical thing to do is to delete the membership..but that makes me feel guilty...i dont really post but i read alot..and i dont know..i have so many questions and doubts related to the board..but who am i to judge anyone else..it just bothers me though..that there are so many similarities between some systems there..and how they always relate to the exact same stuff..i dont know..i tend to over think things..i do..but i dont know..and im just not so sure about what goes on there...
guess after all of that i need to figure out what im doing today...feeling crummy and well not going to the office..but i am going to go and get my computer and put it downstairs so that i can get some work done..and ill go to the office good and early tomorrow so that i can get stuff printed and all of that..but today it will be just writing notes and catching up..and somewhere in there cooking dinner and stuff for lunches next week...no money for anything right now..so yep taking lunch and stuff..and it worked pretty ok last week..so that was a good thing...and i didnt have a lot of fast food last week so that was good too..a small amount of progress...am a bit concerned about dusti cas she is losing weight..and has lost a bit..and i think more than anything bounce is just eating all the food and dusti isnt getting as much as she should..as soon as i have the extra money they are both going to the vet for check ups..but i did get a few cans of wet food for dusti and im hoping that will help...bounce is coming home with me for christmas..and ill be home for about 4 days i think...maybe 5..but 4 at the least...and there will be a lot going on at home..cas i am anxious around christmas but mommy is way way way anxious and worse than usual with the temper and yelling and stuff..so yeah..gotta prepare..but hmm guess thats the plan for today..and well i need to clean my room..cas things are getting lost and i cant figure out where my clean clothes are anymore....and well the kids dont mind just grabbing clothes out of baskets and what not..but well yeah its a little tiresome...and mommy is also telling me i need a better winter coat and that i need to go ahead and find one so that she can pay for it..given she has told me to find one but she will decide what the final purchase will be...i mean i have already given her my christmas list..and she will most likely get what i asked for ..some way or another..she always get us what we ask for and then other stuff..even if she is complaining about not having money or anything...we will hve christmas..regardless..and sometimes i dont know how in the world she does it..how she manages to get so much stuff for all of us..and make things work..but she does..every year she does...i mean as we have all gotten older the gifts are less..well the piles of gifts are less..but they are still significant you know...like ive asked for a tv and an iphone...i know ill get the tv..but i wont get the phone right now...ill get the clothes ive asked for and a jacket..and other stuff..heck i wouldnt be surprised if she threw something into my stuff for bounce and dusti...but gift wise you know..i know kinda what to expect..heck some of it ill prolly pick out and she will just pay for it and wrap it up...but in general if i tell her i need something she will get it for me..i told her last week i needed money for a tire..and she sent it to me..given i didnt use it for tires but still she sent it..if i tell her i need new sneakers ill get them..i asked for a new purse and ended up with 2..she does that kind of stuff...and i dont need to wonder why i feel the need to constantly buy and have new stuff..no im not wondering where that came from at all
hmm i think ive rambled on enough today..for now...head is a little quieter though..and im feeling a little more focused...my eye is really hurting though and im frustrated that i found and lost my eye drops..i was worried this morning but i keep checking my eye in the mirror and its not pink..so im hoping the pain and what not will stop soon...at some point today ill put a warm washcloth on it and see if that helps..but i have to be laying down to do that..so yeah later on...
maybe at some point today will work on some collages...or maybe this week..really need to keep the thoughts from piling up like this...but ive just been so tired this past week..and working so much..and not doing much of anything except sleeping when im not at work..time doesnt even matter..it just has to be dark outside..or well if im driving..i feel so sleepy and can barely keep my eyes open..and this is without the nightly trazadone...i did take it last night though cas wasnt feeling good and really just wanted to sleep through the night without waking up a million times..and i did that..i think i got a lot of sleep last night..and im not feeling overly tired right now so im guessing i did sleep.
not sure though about t and pdoc for this week..i mean i have to go..well i think i need to go..but i dont want to go..cas it means that it will put me one session closer to not seeing her the week of christmas..and that has me a bit anxious...and im mad at t for daring to have a life outside of me and my issues
that makes me a bad person doesnt it? for thinking that about my t ? i mean i know if i have an emergency then she will be reachable..but i dont want to ruin her christmas just cas i cant deal with mine...but i am very anxious about that..cas well going home amps up my anxiety..and christmas amps up my anxiety...put them together and i am liable to just become a complete basket case 
ugh...just not good..trying hard to take it one day at a time..and im having to remind myself repeatedly to stop and stay present and not jump into the future where any number of things can happen.....so deep breath....and calm down...
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