messy situations :(

today has not been the best day at all...and im getting tired so im sorrry if this doesnt make sense at all..

i rushed to my eval this morning and end up getting there right at 9...and then waited 45 minutes for my supervisor to finish getting things ready...and its like really i did have something else i needed to do...but ok i let that slide..and did my eval...i got a 55 cent increase joy...but you know the eval its self wasnt bad...but then we went through this checklist thing that i had to fill out..and well i scored myself pretty harshly..and there were some differences between my answers and hers..and so then i had to explain how i was scoring myself..and she told me that next time i have to score myself accurately cas im not giving myself enough credit...but you know no biggie..cas i most likely wont be any less harsh next time..but then she said that we were going to talk about what was going on for me..and well i wasnt going to..i really wasnt..but then i just told her a little about what was going on and some of the issues with mommy and being home..and well we talked about cutting and coping skills and respect vs fear..and it was a heavy conversation she told me that she knew from the first interview that the scars were from cutting..and she mentioned seeing the ones on my chest also..i almost showed her my arms..almost...but we talked about how it would be if i was assigned to someone who cut..and how that would be..and well we talked for a long time..she talked about some of her own stuff to and how she could relate you know...and we talked quite a bit about making choices and doing what i wanted to do and not what other people wanted me to do...and she told me that i could call her any time..and that of course what we talked about was confidential ...and she let me go..and then i just had to go to my other supervisor..but i was feeling so exposed and scared and vulnerable and i didnt know what to do..and really wanted a hug..so i went to my other supervisor..and asked for a hug..and that turned into one of her 'ok close the door and have a seat' conversations..and it was like well crap i really will need a hug after all this talking! but she told me that she wasnt sure how she felt about all the hugs..and that she wasnt sure if it was good for me to keep coming to her for hugs..and so we talked about that..and how i was feeling and well i do understand that as one of my bosses i cant get like a million hugs from her..and i mentioned just asking for 1 hug a week..and then turned around and told her that it was unfair that i couldnt have hugs..but i do understand that im toeing the line of professional and unprofessional behaviors...i really am and so i can understand her concerns..i really can..and i dont like them at all..and so i ended up talking to her some about therapy and how i was kinda using her to fill a need totally unrelated to work and that i wasnt completely sure what was behind it..but it was another heavy conversation..and i only got out of it because she had to run out for something..and that meant i could leave.. ..but she did give me a hug..a real hug before i left today..but she also told me that if i asked for more than i would have to talk to her about what was going on..and she told me that the conversation was definitly not over with..and that we would continue it another time.. i mean how do i explain to my boss that i want to be attached to her hip and to never leave her side because she is safe..and i dont want her to think im weird or crazy..or anything..but the feelings im associating with her are really strong and i dont know how to really truly explain how i feel so connected to her that i cant control myself..and if im not trying to completely stare at her or keep track of where she is at ..then im like trying to get a hug from her or have her talk to me..cas she does listen and i know that she likes hugs..and all that stuff..and its just an area where im really truly lacking..and i just dont know .. ...but i left her and kinda wandered for a bit cas was feeling to overwhelmed to do much..and was going to skip the rest of work..but ended up going to work..and it was boring ...but my head was still kinda reeling and i was tryin to think and focus and i just had trouble with it..i left that house and ended up on the phone with mommy..and it was just ..i hung up with her and felt so out of it and angry..very angry cas im not being listened to and i cant say im not being listened to..and its frustrating cas she can break me so very fast..and then i really was feeling aimless and overwhelmed and upset..ended up sitting in the parking lot of a rug store for a little while..before going inside..i wrote a little bit..and then went and walked around in the store..which led to looking for razors and i looked for them and got mad cas i couldnt find them..and then did find them..and realized what i wanted and that i couldnt have it..and so texted for a little while..and then bought a bunch of magazines instead of buying razors...and then call the emergency line for my t and it took a couple tries but finally stuck with it and they called her and she called me..like super fast she called me..and i talked to her about what was going on..im all talked out..and i really was feeling out of control and on edge and just not in a good place and i told t that..and she helped me calm down enough to go to work..and well work was a disater tonight..and i left his house after about an hour because of the kids behavior..and so just came home..and well that drive was its on adventure..but am now home and just want to sleep..really thats all i want right now..im tired and drained and just afraid of things..upset i needed to call linda tonight..and that i felt so unsafe that i wanted to just give up..have an escape..again..its becoming more frequent again..i did tell linda that i felt really unsafe with myself when i was at home..and its just been a lot of hard convos..and feeling so not ok with all the talking and trying and ugh..its frustrating ... and im tired of work and

**insert random falling asleep last night and not finishing this***

hmm did calm down enough to go to work..and then then left within an hour cas the kid was off the chain and i wasnt up for dealing with him and my own stuff last night..i wasnt..so i left..and we have rescheduled for sunday...fun.. and so came home and well crashed pretty much...dont rememner how much medicine i took..cas woke up this morning feeling majorly drugged..and was trying to remember and cant.. i wanted to sleep..and i did..but now im awake and unsure again of what im doing or well not doing...

i think the problem..well one of the problems currently ..is that i cant balance the boundaries ...i really dont know how to...im pushing hard against the boundary with my supervisor with the hugs and all that..and i know that and understand it..but wanting them and wanting to feel comforted overruns my sense of logic and knowing better..and she is trying to put boundaries in place and i dont like it..i dont want the boundaries..i want her to be able to comfort me..because im scared and anxious and unsure of things lately...she and the other supervisor tell me that i can call them anytime...but i dont know how to handle that..because i would call every day..and not be able to talk..i already want to call them but i am unsure of how to cross that line..im not sure what is acceptable..and they both said i can call anytime..but i dont know how to limit the contact.once i start ill want to keep doing it..and ill want to keep going to them ...and icant...i cant regulate my emotions or feelings very well by myself...and maybe that is why i called linda last night and texted a friend...i have to be told and reminded that i need to calm down..and i need to think and do one thing at a time..and all this stuff..i get so caught up trying to look at and fix all of it that i just make it worse and not better..and then i end up a compete basket case and cant rein myself back in without an outside person or someone reminding me that i need to chill out..and then i start wanting to escape..to hide..to run away or hurt..i really wanted to hurt last night..i did...but managed not to..

i dont know..