Hmm im starting to feel sad...well ive been sad but I guess today its just being more noticeable beause im not really doing anything today...its snowing here at home in nc and so ive just been laying around all morning and pretty much up since I figured out it was snowing..and couldnt go back to sleep..so just played some computer games..and like you know have just been wasting time...im tired though..oh and I had a conversation this morning with mommy that I would have rather not had but whatever...its the day after christmas and I guess it was ok at home...i try not to compare to my sister and brothers..but I was on the low end of things gift wise..and I know that makes me like selfish and mean and all sorts of ugly things..but its true..and I just notice stuff like that...and I really am not complaining..you know I have good stuff and I appreciate what I have..i really do..but still I jus want more..i always want more :( and its like I can never be happy with just what I have..and that prolly drives some of my impulse stuff..just not being happy and trying to make myself happy with material stuff..and I know I shouldnt do it..i know I should be happy and be content because I have a lot of stuff that a lot of people dont have..and I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself for wanting more and not benig happy with what I have..its christmas and I feel so very greedy..and just...i dont know... I mean for christmas I got a new tv..but I wasnt completely happy because I didnt have a new phone...i got clothes..but I want more clothes..you know that ikinda stuff...im jealous ..and just disappointed in myself I guess..i dont know ..it gets kinda all mixed up and twisted...and then I just feel more quiet and cut off from everyone..like I have to exile myself to deal with all of my shameful feelings..i am at home and I feel more out of place here than anywhere else..i dont fit into my own family..im not connected..i can laugh and goof off, and mess around..but at the end of the day..i just wish to be someone where else..and I write that and realize that at the same time there is a pull to just stay at home..to be here and just pretend for a minute that I am loved and with my family and able to just relax and have fun...but I cant seem to do that ..well I do want to stay here..like im supposed to be going home today..and I really am not sure I want to..i have to go to work tomorrow and im not sure I want to..:( that sort of thing...is going on..and I feel so conflicted and mixed up with what I want...
I have gotten myself into a jam at work..and its entirely my fault..and I have to deal with..and I have to keep reminding myself that they are not going to 'tell on me' to mommy..they are not going to call home and tell mommy to yell at me...i have to remind myself that I am an adult and I will have to deal with this no matter the consequences..but I feel stupid you know...in hindshight of course I see what I should have done..and what I should have said..but at the time I didnt think that far ahead..and so now im in a jam..and im more worried about my supervisor being disapppinted in me than anything else..and well its like im pretty much caught in a lie and its either confess or keep lying and well ugh...i know what I should do..and I know I should do the right thing..but I still want to lie and protect myself and just I dont know ..make it right some how..and well the only thing that truly will make it right is for me to come clean about it all..and just move on...but welll yeah...its been worrying me..a bit..and I know its pretty much to late right now to do anything about it...but yeah..am worried all the same..and im not sure what is going to happen you know...
now as for the current money situation..im afraid to even look at my bank account right now..cas of all the overdrafts and possible over spending I did for christmas :(...im scared to see the damage and even scareder to figure out how to fix the damage..i just dont know what I am going to do money wise for all of this mess..and its getting close to feb and im afraid that in feb I will be forced to move back home..just because I dont have a place to stay..or a steady job...and im afraid of what will happen to me...i know that its about time for me to sit down with heather and nate about the contract and what they want..or how they see things...cas I dont want to over stay my welcome and really if they give me a time frame then I will do my best to stick with it..but honestly by feb I wont be able to move out unless I have a steady pay check...and I dont want them to think that I am like mooching off of them and trying to stay and not move and just live with them forever..no they are friends and they are being super helpful and nice and understanding..they truly are...and im like just not even returning the favor or anything...ugh... and so I dont know what to do...cas it could be a couple sceranios
- I get more hours at my second job and can slowly build up my job security there..and move out of heathers in a couple months
- I can lose both jobs..and/or quit both jobs..and move back home with mommy
- I can move to sc with nia and rob and find a job up there and be closer to them
I guess those are my options right now..that im truly looking at and considering...cause I have to be realistic..and I have to figure things out....i mean yeah im still gonna apply for jobs in va cas I would prefer to stay there..my docs are there, I have friends there, you know I have a small life there...but again I have to see what I can afford and what I can deal with..and well if the option becomes moving home again then I will just have to manage..somehow ...until I can make it somewhere else...but that option scares me the most..to move home and be back under mommy and just go back to being super suicidal and depressed and just ugh...i dont know..i mean yeah I have a month to figure it out..i guess..or to get a new game plan in order or set up or something...and I just dont know what to do...i really dont....
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