i knew it was coming...but still it hurt :(

i really do feel very inadequte right now..upset ...confused..hurt...

i knew the consequences were coming..i knew what they were..and still i wasnt really thinking they would happen...i thought i could handle it..and instead i feel like a reprimanded child..like i just recieved my slap on the wrist and my lecture on preforming better...and now its up to me to live up to the chance i am being given...turn in my stuff..and stop messing around...my hours are cut for this week..and if i dont catch up they will be taken completely next week...technically i have till the 15th to get things in..thats 3 days.... and its like i need to set up a plan of action for stuff..cas it is overwhelming me right now..all of it...it makes me tired and i feel defeated before i even begin..but i had a long and drawn out conversation with my 'normal' supervisor about my lack of work...and not having my stuff in and making her run around and what not..and how its effecting everyone and how im going to lose my clients if i dont shape up and get stuff in..and well by the time i was done with that conversation i really truly did feel like crying..i felt awful..lower than low..just like ok pile on more failures to my list of growing failures...and it hit hard...it was true..and i was expecting it..but hearing it really hurt a lot..and its my fault...my supervior did say i was being stretched to thin and that if i didnt work on self care and all of that i was going to burn out...but finally i got off the phone with her...and just felt horrible...just felt like i was this huge failure you know..that i was just wrong and tired and struggling and all of that..and i didnt know what to do..so i called my other supervisor (the mommy one) and asked her if she had a little bit of time to talk to me..and given she already knows the situation..but she listened to me explain it and lay it all out..and then she kinda broke it all down for me..and pointed out the postivies and the areas that i needed to work on..told me to make small goals..and again to take care of myself..and to just use this week with less hours..to get stuff in..and get caught up...and she told me that she was available anytime i needed a pep talk..and i had to really restrain myself from asking her for a hug..which well over the phone wasnt going to happen..i also had to stop myself from asking if she was mad at me..cas i dont want her to be mad at me..but that would be over stepping boundaries..but i want to go to the party thing on friday cas it means ill be able to see her and possibly get a hug from her...

im just..i just need to think...and lay down for a bit..im tired...and have a headache now...i cant process everything...i need to just organize my thoughts ..and figure things out..