breakthrough?

maybe i am looking at this mess that i have gotten myself into all wrong...maybe it is a good thing that i can identify that i want comfort from another person...even with my messed up perception and all .. maybe it is good that i can ask for a hug and deal with being told no..i may not like it at all and i am continue to think of ways to have that need met..but i can in the moment accept what im told..maybe being able to trust my supervisors regardless of what mommy is pushing into my head is a good step. well im trying to trust my supervisors..i really am...im trying to trust my therapist..im trying to trust my psychiatrist (ok well that one is taking way more effort)..but well i guess you get the idea...im trying..im connecting to something and im not sure i like it darn it..cas things have gotten really kinda messy with my head and its all confusing and in the way..and consuming..ugh...but things are changing..and that is super duper scary..and confusing ..and did i mention scary?  i mean i dont think i have ever been able to ask for a hug from anyone..and last week i asked for about 5..and managed to deal with my supervisors concerns at the same time...how is that for growth! essh..

but yesterday..i did something really very stupid and im trying not to freak cas i called and talked to my bank..and pretty much was told i will need to wait it out and see..i may end up closing my account and opening a new one..but yeah my way to help my money situation was not a smart thing to do..and god i know this..i know that..i know not to give out my bank info..and i really dont know where my smart genes were yesterday..but it was very stupid and very scary and im watching my bank account like a hawk..you know these lessons that you have to learn by making the mistakes are a pain in the a$$ .. but well yeah..trying not to dwell cas its happened and now ill just have to deal with it...but i really cant get over how stupid i was yesterday...no more trying to fix things..ill just wait until i have money and get paid and go from there..ugh

i can pick up my car today..yeah..trying to figure out how i am going to work that out...i may end up picking up my car tomorrow..i dont know...but its finished..and i sorta have the money to get it out..nad the insurance check is there..so that is one less worry..and somehow gotta get that taken care of...

i really do want my car back!

and well there is therapy today and gosh i am like ready to tell her everything if i means that i can get it out of my head..so much going on...and well not to mention i called her last week..and talked to her..and ive had to restrain from calling her again and again..but i did call her and i know that we will talk about that..and well i think i need to keep talking about the issues with my supervisor..and i want to show her my collages..i want to make a nother one..cas head is so full right now...i want to talk about thanksgiving and how im not going home and how that feels..ugh one hour just is not enough time anymore...and i think that once i get back on track with paying my bills off there im gonna ask if i can come twice a week..i am ...right now i feel like im finally getting somewhere..and once a week is just not enough. my need for acknowledgment and comfort are to strong right now...-sigh- i dont know...  but i think yeah ill go and do some collage stuff and then some work stuff and then get ready for therapy and the day....

yeah thats the plan...