i probably should write. i know ishould but all the thoughts are just stuck in my head with me and i dont know really how to say what i am feeling. im sad, dejected, i feel stupid for even hanging on to my job for this long. i mean i guess i had my reasons and i tried..and because of that i feel stupid and like a failure. maybe ill be able to understand completely that its not my fault one of these days, but the stress and frustration are to much to deal with right now. im trying hard to just even do what im expected to do right now. my eyes hurt from crying, and my head hurts from thinking. i really do just want to go to bed, and sleep, but i am trying not to do that because then i will jut ignore everything and make the situation that im in worse than it is. im worried about the insurance and meds, and therapy. im trying to figure out where i can cut back, and what i can give up to save money. meds will most likely be changed again, doses lowered or something. im going to email my insurance ppl today and find out how long i will have insurance if i change jobs, well when i change jobs because then i will have something to tell t next week when i see her because that may or may not be the last time i see her for a while but i dont know. ive spent most of my day trying hard to keep myself distracted from what is going on, but all i need is a minute of thinking about all of this and i start to cry again..its like i cant control ymself or my emotions right now..and that frustrates me. its like im here but im not, i interact enough to get by but i dont want to be around anyone..i dont want to see or talk to anybody. i dont want it to be christmas in a few days because that is the farthest thing from my mind right now...i dont understand how the boss of the company could do this to everyone...to not have paychecks..to lie about where paychecks are..and then to have a confrence call to say that it may be monday before paychecks show up?! it does feel like i am right back to where i was over the summer. i try to remind myself that i do have a job and that i will be able to gradulally gain hours next month..but that still leaves a couple weeks where i will barely receive anything money wise, and once again bills are piling up and i cant afford to pay anything..the only thing that saved me this time is that well i got my small check from my second job..and thats what ive been using for gas money and stuff..and after i called mommy in tears last night she is somehow going to give me the money..well some of the money that was going to be in my check so that ill be able to go home for christmas..when i would rather juts stay here and not leave my room for the entire 4 days im off..which could be entirely possible..its like even being at home right now is to much to deal with...i dont know how to get myself out of this funk that im in ..and i mean work is work and i can focus on that and get out of my head a little bit..but thats only a few hours at a time..there are still a lot of hours in the day to deal with..and i dont know what to do with myself really...and mommy did mention that moving home is always an option..:( i dont know what is going to happen...i guess if i am looking at all of my options for what i can and cant do..going home has to be added back on the list...and i will just deal with it.
i dont know what else to do or consider..but if i have to be realistic and make a plan..then moving has to be a part of it..and going home is a part of it...and if i cant manage here..and i really dont find a new job and cant support myself..then i will just have to go back home until i can again...
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