i have been going over and over the past couple weeks in my head...trying to figure out what has happened...what it all means...that everything happens for a reason thing is really on my mind lately...there are a lot of job issues going on..and it is as if i have just lost focus..and lost my will to accomplish anything...and im slacking off...im irresponsible...im messing up...but i need to figure out what my plan is and i need to figure it out now...
i have two jobs...im messing up more with two jobs...one job with straight 40 hours is what i want and with insurance...now the problem of course is that a straight 40hours is a major pay cut.. it is going to take a little time to catch up with that and find a steady 40 hours a week job...now ...its come down to the wire pretty much..and im going to have to let go of one of my jobs..and as much as i have tried and tried to hold on to my main job..its not working out..and this last paycheck fiasco is the last straw....i want to hold out until the end of jan though..so that ill have paychecks coming in..but well it may not be that long and it may be that first week in january that i have to call it quits..and move on..i have tried and i have been patient and things still arent going well and things still suck ..pay wise and being paid on time..and im just getting more and more frustrated and holding out for what? the insurance i have and i will have to figure out a way to keep it..or pay for it on my own or something...as for my 2nd job...once i am back in there good graces i can get more clients...i can have more hours..and they pay on time...no insurance..and that is there only downfall really...i like them..i like the company..and well im paid on time...it makes no sense to me to slack on the job that pays on time...and i am just confused because i cant figure out what to do...letting go of the first job will cause more of a back lash persay..with like therapy and medicine..and all of that..like i just got it..and i have to let it go...already...and if i stop that..like give up the insurance and everything i will have to stop therapy for a while..until i can catch up on the bill..and that is going to be really very hard...the medication changes would cause a lot of issues yet again...and it will be a mess all over again..and that is very upsetting and frustrating..it should be so simple..to just put in my notice and say thats it..but its not that simple and i keep going back and forth on what is the right decision..in all honesty..i know that i am stretching myself to thin..that i am trying to do to many things at once and as a result im not doing anything...i know that is what is happening..but the not being paid is having a major effect on me..and my quality of work..i feel that i dont have to do anything if i am not going to be paid on time..and so the desire to see clients and do anything is really bad right now..and it makes no sense for me to keep a job that my heart is not into..it doesnt...but losing the insurance is going to cause a big big problem..and i guess i could call and see how much it will be to keep the plan and pay for it out of pocket or find out if i can get a cheaper plan..but if not ..then it will have to stop once again..and that will cause major withdrawls and everything if not done correctly...
it is also nearing the end of the contract that i have with heather and her husband..feb 1st im supposed to have place...a month from now...and i dont have the money to put towards it..i dont have anything to put towards a new place really..money is tight..money is nonexistent..and im not able to keep up at all..and i dont know what to do..i really dont ..everything is barreling down on me and i dont know what to do about any of it..
maybe i will just quit both of my jobs and move somewhere and just not worry about anything... :(
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